1
00:00:47,681 --> 00:00:48,782
I can't believe he did that.

2
00:00:48,882 --> 00:00:51,251
Yeah. You know what, Carmen?
I'm done. I'm done with this.

3
00:00:57,190 --> 00:00:58,158
You know what?

4
00:00:58,258 --> 00:00:59,993
This is the last time
he pulls this on me,

5
00:01:00,093 --> 00:01:02,095
'cause I'm not going
through this anymore.

6
00:01:02,195 --> 00:01:03,730
I deserve so much better, right?

7
00:01:03,830 --> 00:01:05,202
You're absolutely right.

8
00:02:35,589 --> 00:02:37,462
I have to meet him.

9
00:02:38,258 --> 00:02:40,594
Esther. Esther.

10
00:02:40,694 --> 00:02:41,662
What?

11
00:02:41,762 --> 00:02:43,339
You're still married.

12
00:02:43,830 --> 00:02:46,306
Consider these bruises a divorce.

13
00:03:11,558 --> 00:03:13,393
Esther, I'm gonna need you to push.

14
00:03:13,493 --> 00:03:15,400
What the... Is that a cigar?

15
00:03:15,562 --> 00:03:18,198
It's not lit. It's just
something I do for stress.

16
00:03:18,298 --> 00:03:19,433
Hombre loco.

17
00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:22,636
Why are you smoking a cigar, when you're
supposed to be delivering a baby?

18
00:03:22,736 --> 00:03:24,871
That's the kind of stress
he's talking about, madam.

19
00:03:24,971 --> 00:03:25,939
Have you been drinking?

20
00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:28,275
If you want a sober white
doctor in this town,

21
00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:29,977
it's going to cost you a fortune.

22
00:03:30,077 --> 00:03:31,378
Ain't that the truth?

23
00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:36,550
Man, that is going to be a big baby.

24
00:03:38,652 --> 00:03:42,231
I just hope I can pull him
out before he pulls me in.

25
00:03:43,990 --> 00:03:45,258
Is the father here?

26
00:03:45,358 --> 00:03:46,866
Jesus!

27
00:03:49,596 --> 00:03:50,797
Hey.

28
00:03:52,999 --> 00:03:54,167
Hey.

29
00:03:54,267 --> 00:03:55,235
Hey.

30
00:03:55,335 --> 00:03:56,536
Hey!

31
00:03:58,405 --> 00:04:01,074
Hey, sorry. I was just
in the bathroom, man.

32
00:04:01,174 --> 00:04:03,610
I just ate some spicy chimichangas.

33
00:04:03,710 --> 00:04:05,078
- Oh. Okay.
- Oh, man.

34
00:04:05,178 --> 00:04:07,114
It just burned like
you wouldn't believe.

35
00:04:07,214 --> 00:04:09,082
I'm sure. Okay, I got to get to work.

36
00:04:09,182 --> 00:04:10,417
- Yeah.
- All right, Gabrielito, come on.

37
00:04:10,517 --> 00:04:12,719
- Hurry up and pick a movie.
- Okay, Mom.

38
00:04:22,696 --> 00:04:24,569
Hey, hey, hey, where you going?

39
00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:26,633
You got to have hair down
there to go in there.

40
00:04:26,733 --> 00:04:27,701
Huh?

41
00:04:29,202 --> 00:04:30,437
I already have hair.

42
00:04:32,539 --> 00:04:33,507
Where's your mom?

43
00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:35,912
She's over there
talking with some old man.

44
00:04:36,109 --> 00:04:37,583
Some old man? Where's your dad?

45
00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:39,046
I don't have a dad.

46
00:04:39,146 --> 00:04:41,326
- Gabriel, hurry up.
- Okay, Mom.

47
00:04:51,558 --> 00:04:54,636
I can't let you rent this, kid.
It's an R-rated movie.

48
00:04:55,061 --> 00:04:57,366
Well, my mom said it's okay.

49
00:04:57,597 --> 00:05:01,101
- Great. Ask her again.
- Fine with me.

50
00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:05,612
Hey, Mom, can I rent this?

51
00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:07,708
Yes. Hijo, hurry up. We got to go.

52
00:05:07,808 --> 00:05:11,380
Okay, thanks. Told you.

53
00:05:11,611 --> 00:05:13,046
After your movie's over,

54
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:15,482
I want you to clean up and
do your homework, okay?

55
00:05:15,582 --> 00:05:17,318
- Okay, Mom.
- All right.

56
00:05:17,517 --> 00:05:20,163
And remember what we talked about.

57
00:05:20,587 --> 00:05:23,890
I want you to think about what
you want to be when you grow up.

58
00:05:23,990 --> 00:05:25,158
- Okay?
- Okay.

59
00:05:25,258 --> 00:05:26,727
- For real.
- For real.

60
00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:28,829
All right. Give me a kiss.

61
00:05:28,929 --> 00:05:30,363
- I love you.
- Me, too.

62
00:05:30,463 --> 00:05:32,540
- Have a good day.
- You, too.

63
00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:12,539
Fluffy, Fluffy, Fluffy!

64
00:06:12,639 --> 00:06:14,274
Ladies and gentlemen,

65
00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:17,577
give it up for Gabriel Iglesias!

66
00:06:45,538 --> 00:06:47,073
Fluffy! Fluffy!

67
00:06:47,173 --> 00:06:56,316
Fluffy! Fluffy!

68
00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:58,289
- Bay Area...
- Fluffy! Fluffy!

69
00:07:03,857 --> 00:07:05,798
...I missed you.

70
00:07:08,228 --> 00:07:10,530
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.

71
00:07:10,630 --> 00:07:12,104
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

72
00:07:13,733 --> 00:07:15,935
Section 215,

73
00:07:16,136 --> 00:07:19,039
14, 13, 12,

74
00:07:19,139 --> 00:07:20,807
11, 10,

75
00:07:20,907 --> 00:07:22,509
nine, eight, seven,

76
00:07:22,609 --> 00:07:26,655
six, five, four, three, two, and one.

77
00:07:27,881 --> 00:07:29,924
They can hear you.

78
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:37,023
Oh, my God! I must look
tiny up there?

79
00:07:37,123 --> 00:07:38,927
Está chiquito. Está chiquito.

80
00:07:39,225 --> 00:07:41,098
"He's so little, yeah."

81
00:07:43,163 --> 00:07:44,798
Before I say anything else, you guys,

82
00:07:44,898 --> 00:07:49,843
a big hand for Bay Area legend,
Mr. Chuy Gomez!

83
00:07:54,774 --> 00:07:59,445
The first man to ever put me
on the radio in the Bay Area.

84
00:08:01,081 --> 00:08:02,851
Thank you, Chuy.

85
00:08:03,283 --> 00:08:05,685
And, of course,
another big round of applause

86
00:08:05,785 --> 00:08:08,021
for my friend, the man,
the myth, the legend.

87
00:08:08,121 --> 00:08:10,460
Give it up for Martin!

88
00:08:16,463 --> 00:08:19,432
This is so cool how now
you guys recognize him.

89
00:08:19,532 --> 00:08:20,533
You see him, and you're like,

90
00:08:20,633 --> 00:08:23,313
"That's him. That has to be Martin."

91
00:08:23,837 --> 00:08:25,338
Seriously, with that crazy hair,

92
00:08:25,438 --> 00:08:28,008
the tattoos, the goatee,
you know exactly who it is.

93
00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:29,509
Now in this building,

94
00:08:29,609 --> 00:08:32,178
there was people freaking out
over by the merchandise table.

95
00:08:32,278 --> 00:08:36,883
I saw this girl lose it. She ran
over to Martin, screaming.

96
00:08:36,983 --> 00:08:38,351
And then started hugging him.

97
00:08:38,451 --> 00:08:40,420
And then Martin looks at me.
He's like, "Dude"

98
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:44,327
I'm like, "Hey, she's not pressing
charges. Hug her back."

99
00:08:44,491 --> 00:08:46,170
That's rare.

100
00:08:46,626 --> 00:08:48,094
So then the girl turns around,

101
00:08:48,194 --> 00:08:50,563
and she sees me, and she goes, "Hey!"

102
00:08:50,663 --> 00:08:52,865
And then I was like, "Hey!"

103
00:08:52,966 --> 00:08:56,202
And she was like,
"Can you take our picture?"

104
00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:00,473
"Yeah, all right.

105
00:09:00,573 --> 00:09:03,643
"So that's what that feels like.
Yeah, here we go."

106
00:09:03,743 --> 00:09:05,745
I'm getting ready
to snap the picture,

107
00:09:05,845 --> 00:09:07,881
and she's hugging Martin,
and she's like,

108
00:09:07,981 --> 00:09:12,687
"I cannot wait to tell my
friends that I met Machete."

109
00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:22,770
I lost it. I was like,
"Smile, 'Machete'!

110
00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:25,243
"Smile, 'Machete'!"

111
00:09:26,766 --> 00:09:27,901
He was so sad.

112
00:09:28,001 --> 00:09:30,103
He was like, "Bro, she recognized me,

113
00:09:30,203 --> 00:09:32,405
"but she thought I was someone else."

114
00:09:32,505 --> 00:09:36,949
I said, "Hey, get over it. I was
Operation Repo for three years, okay?

115
00:09:37,610 --> 00:09:40,814
"Just be thankful you
got recognized."

116
00:09:42,182 --> 00:09:43,249
So let me tell you what's happened

117
00:09:43,349 --> 00:09:45,418
since the last time we've been
here in the Bay, you guys.

118
00:09:45,518 --> 00:09:48,755
By the way, I hope you
like our decorations here.

119
00:09:56,362 --> 00:09:57,836
Oh, yeah.

120
00:09:58,565 --> 00:10:01,534
Since the last time we've been here,
a couple of things have changed,

121
00:10:01,634 --> 00:10:06,112
one of which is I am
officially down 100 pounds.

122
00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:08,910
Yeah.

123
00:10:14,380 --> 00:10:16,683
I know some of you here in the front
are looking at me right now like,

124
00:10:16,783 --> 00:10:18,621
"Well, how big were you?"

125
00:10:19,419 --> 00:10:21,621
I know. "Hercules, Hercules."

126
00:10:21,721 --> 00:10:23,457
Yeah...

127
00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:26,693
Anyways, you guys,
let me tell you what happened.

128
00:10:26,793 --> 00:10:29,129
Basically I found our
I was a little sick.

129
00:10:29,229 --> 00:10:32,332
I was diagnosed about two
years ago, type 2 diabetic.

130
00:10:32,432 --> 00:10:36,045
Now, I maxed out at 445 pounds.

131
00:10:36,736 --> 00:10:39,472
Yeah, that's way past fluffy, okay?

132
00:10:39,572 --> 00:10:42,548
Let's be honest.
That's not even, "Damn!"

133
00:10:42,775 --> 00:10:47,219
445 pounds, that's borderline
Discovery Channel fat.

134
00:10:48,748 --> 00:10:51,861
That was like, "I couldn't
leave the house." Yeah?

135
00:10:54,420 --> 00:10:56,896
"He wants to go to the movies."

136
00:10:58,258 --> 00:10:59,492
It was really bad, you guys,

137
00:10:59,592 --> 00:11:04,673
and so I was waking up every
morning with a 300-plus sugar level.

138
00:11:04,964 --> 00:11:08,501
Now, anyone who knows anything
about diabetes, that is super high.

139
00:11:08,601 --> 00:11:11,371
And you do that enough times,
and eventually...

140
00:11:11,471 --> 00:11:12,911
"Clear."

141
00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:16,342
It's so hard

142
00:11:16,442 --> 00:11:19,316
To say goodbye

143
00:11:19,445 --> 00:11:22,319
"They buried him in frosting.

144
00:11:22,782 --> 00:11:25,785
"It was the sweetest funeral ever.

145
00:11:25,885 --> 00:11:29,157
"Everyone got a cupcake.
It was the shit. It was so nice."

146
00:11:30,957 --> 00:11:33,626
Im at the doctor's office,
you guys, and the doctor tells me.

147
00:11:33,726 --> 00:11:36,896
He says, "Listen, Gabriel,
you're 445 pounds.

148
00:11:36,996 --> 00:11:39,966
"Your weight is out of control.
"Your diabetes is out of control.

149
00:11:40,066 --> 00:11:41,201
"You're 35 years old.

150
00:11:41,301 --> 00:11:44,370
"You will not live another
two years. I guarantee it."

151
00:11:44,470 --> 00:11:46,739
And I got very emotional, you know,
I was like, "Are you serious?"

152
00:11:46,839 --> 00:11:49,275
He goes, "Two years tops."

153
00:11:49,375 --> 00:11:52,749
And I was like, "But I just
started making money."

154
00:11:55,315 --> 00:11:56,950
"Well, it's going to
be a nice funeral."

155
00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:59,355
I was like, "What an ass."

156
00:11:59,919 --> 00:12:02,422
So it took a lot for me to finally
start doing something about it,

157
00:12:02,522 --> 00:12:04,724
'cause it's not like this is the
first time I tried to lose weight.

158
00:12:04,824 --> 00:12:06,226
This has been happening
for a long time,

159
00:12:06,326 --> 00:12:09,095
but somebody tells you you're
gonna die, you actually wake up.

160
00:12:09,195 --> 00:12:12,599
So what it took was it took the
support of my friends, my family,

161
00:12:12,699 --> 00:12:15,802
and, you know, especially I got to
give credit where credit is due.

162
00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:18,171
Martin, you guys,
helped me out so much,

163
00:12:18,271 --> 00:12:21,574
because he's always encouraging
me to go to the gym.

164
00:12:21,674 --> 00:12:23,820
"Let's go work out, bro.

165
00:12:24,611 --> 00:12:26,620
"Let's go do something."

166
00:12:27,046 --> 00:12:29,149
And more importantly than,
"Let's go work out, " is,

167
00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:31,818
you know, we're on the road
together 46 weeks out of the year,

168
00:12:31,918 --> 00:12:34,654
so we eat together a lot,
and he's always watching what I eat,

169
00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:36,422
and if he sees me
reaching for something

170
00:12:36,522 --> 00:12:38,591
I shouldn't mess with, he checks me.

171
00:12:38,691 --> 00:12:40,927
Especially breakfast.
That's my favorite meal.

172
00:12:41,027 --> 00:12:42,295
I love breakfast.

173
00:12:42,395 --> 00:12:44,197
And they always put us
at these nice hotels,

174
00:12:44,297 --> 00:12:45,865
where they give us this
continental breakfast

175
00:12:45,965 --> 00:12:47,300
with the buffet, and, you know,

176
00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:50,603
if I'm eating eggs and bacon
and sausage, that's fine.

177
00:12:50,703 --> 00:12:52,672
Yes, some of it's fattening,
but guess what.

178
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:54,274
No sugar.

179
00:12:54,374 --> 00:12:59,648
If Martin sees me reaching for muffins
or waffles, he makes a scene.

180
00:13:00,046 --> 00:13:02,615
He waits for me to get
about 15 feet away,

181
00:13:02,715 --> 00:13:03,816
and he starts yelling

182
00:13:03,916 --> 00:13:06,486
in front of all the
people at the restaurant.

183
00:13:06,586 --> 00:13:08,959
Oh, yeah. He's still ghetto.

184
00:13:10,490 --> 00:13:14,029
I don't care if it's a Ritz-Carlton.
Guess what? "Machete" is here.

185
00:13:15,728 --> 00:13:16,963
He starts yelling.

186
00:13:17,063 --> 00:13:19,971
He waits for me to get 15 feet
away, and then he starts.

187
00:13:20,233 --> 00:13:21,935
"Really, bro?

188
00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:25,038
"You're going to put that
in your mouth, Fluffy?

189
00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:27,473
"You know what that's
going to do to your body?

190
00:13:27,573 --> 00:13:30,151
"Hey! Have some self-respect."

191
00:13:31,411 --> 00:13:33,989
And he makes me cry at breakfast.

192
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:36,683
I'm sad. I'm like,
"I don't want the muffin.

193
00:13:36,783 --> 00:13:38,985
"I don't want it.
I don't want the muffin.

194
00:13:39,085 --> 00:13:40,887
"I'm not a little whore. I'm not.

195
00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:42,894
"I'm not a little whore."

196
00:13:43,790 --> 00:13:45,325
But, see, that is a real friend

197
00:13:45,425 --> 00:13:46,826
who would check me and remind me,

198
00:13:46,926 --> 00:13:49,970
"Hey, bro, get mad at me all you want.
I just want you to live."

199
00:13:50,263 --> 00:13:51,698
And I got to respect that.

200
00:13:51,798 --> 00:13:53,233
That's why I love
that dude, you know,

201
00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:56,502
and, in turn, sometimes
I got to check Martin.

202
00:13:56,602 --> 00:13:57,906
Yeah.

203
00:13:59,972 --> 00:14:01,674
Believe me, you guys.

204
00:14:01,774 --> 00:14:04,010
It goes both ways.
Sometimes I have to check him.

205
00:14:04,110 --> 00:14:07,513
Not about his weight, but he
has his demons, too, you know.

206
00:14:07,613 --> 00:14:09,182
Oh, believe that. Yes.

207
00:14:09,282 --> 00:14:11,217
Sometimes there's limited space

208
00:14:11,317 --> 00:14:12,852
at the hotels where we're staying at,

209
00:14:12,952 --> 00:14:15,121
so sometimes we gotta
double up on a room.

210
00:14:15,221 --> 00:14:18,091
And every now and then, Martin will
bring some random girl to the room

211
00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:20,393
at 3:00 in the morning, wakes me up.

212
00:14:20,493 --> 00:14:24,505
I got to look at him
and say, "Really, bro?

213
00:14:26,799 --> 00:14:29,741
"You're going to put
that in your mouth?

214
00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:39,612
"Do you know what that's
going to do to your body?

215
00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:42,620
"Hey! Have some self-re..."

216
00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:45,953
He doesn't. He really doesn't, so...

217
00:14:47,820 --> 00:14:49,055
So let me tell you guys.

218
00:14:49,155 --> 00:14:50,923
I'm in the doctor's office,
and he tells me.

219
00:14:51,023 --> 00:14:55,933
He says, "Listen, Gabriel,
obviously working out isn't cutting it.

220
00:14:56,763 --> 00:15:00,740
"I have a friend who
specializes in gastric bypass,

221
00:15:00,867 --> 00:15:02,735
"and I think it would
benefit you greatly

222
00:15:02,835 --> 00:15:06,773
"to at least listen to what the
guy has to say. It couldn't hurt."

223
00:15:06,873 --> 00:15:08,107
So he hands me a card.

224
00:15:08,207 --> 00:15:11,877
The card says, "BH Surgical Center."

225
00:15:12,178 --> 00:15:14,747
I make an appointment.
I show up to this place.

226
00:15:14,847 --> 00:15:15,915
I get to the door.

227
00:15:16,015 --> 00:15:17,784
The door doesn't say,

228
00:15:17,884 --> 00:15:20,153
"BH Surgical Center."

229
00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:21,754
It actually says,

230
00:15:21,854 --> 00:15:24,933
"Center for the Morbidly Obese."

231
00:15:26,359 --> 00:15:28,630
Yeah. That shit's not cure.

232
00:15:29,695 --> 00:15:33,099
So I figure I'm there, I might as
well check it out, so I walk in.

233
00:15:33,199 --> 00:15:37,203
I go over to the receptionist,
and I ask, "Um, right spot?"

234
00:15:37,303 --> 00:15:38,705
And she was cool. She was like,

235
00:15:38,805 --> 00:15:41,815
"Yes, sir, you're in
the right location."

236
00:15:42,041 --> 00:15:45,255
"Can I ask you something?"
"Absolutely."

237
00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:46,546
"Why does it say,

238
00:15:46,646 --> 00:15:49,315
"Center for the Morbidly
Obese' on the door?"

239
00:15:49,415 --> 00:15:51,651
"The doctors prefer it that way."

240
00:15:51,751 --> 00:15:53,453
"Why don't you have
that on the card?"

241
00:15:53,553 --> 00:15:56,029
"'Cause then you won't come in.

242
00:15:58,391 --> 00:15:59,359
"First time?"

243
00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:00,660
"Yeah, first time."

244
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:02,829
So she hands me a clipboard,
and she goes,

245
00:16:02,929 --> 00:16:04,831
"Please take this clipboard,
and have a seat.

246
00:16:04,931 --> 00:16:06,466
"They'll call you in a few minutes."

247
00:16:06,566 --> 00:16:08,901
So I turn around, and I
sit down on this couch,

248
00:16:09,001 --> 00:16:10,670
and I start filling
out the paperwork.

249
00:16:10,770 --> 00:16:13,306
And it wasn't like insurance
forms and stuff like that.

250
00:16:13,406 --> 00:16:15,475
It was actually more of
like a questionnaire.

251
00:16:15,575 --> 00:16:17,043
They ask you a bunch of questions,

252
00:16:17,143 --> 00:16:19,479
and you have to answer from one to 10

253
00:16:19,579 --> 00:16:21,814
how unhealthy you think you are,

254
00:16:21,914 --> 00:16:23,716
and it's not going good. It's not.

255
00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:25,885
I'm like, "Uh, frigging eight,
eight, nine, nine, nine, nine,

256
00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:27,320
"10, nine, nine, 10, nine,

257
00:16:27,420 --> 00:16:29,322
"10,10,10,10,10,10,10."

258
00:16:29,422 --> 00:16:34,037
And as I'm filling our the paperwork,
outside the door, I hear...

259
00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:49,175
All of a sudden, the door opens up,

260
00:16:49,275 --> 00:16:51,511
and this dude walks in...

261
00:17:05,324 --> 00:17:08,334
I was like, "Oh, my God!
You're morbid."

262
00:17:09,962 --> 00:17:12,698
Immediately, my score got better.

263
00:17:12,798 --> 00:17:13,933
I'm like, "Shoot.

264
00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:15,701
"I'm a four, four, three,
three, three, two, two, two,

265
00:17:15,801 --> 00:17:17,270
"one, one, one, one,
one, one, one, one, one.

266
00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:19,243
"I'm healthy by default."

267
00:17:21,641 --> 00:17:23,476
He makes his way over
to the receptionist,

268
00:17:23,576 --> 00:17:26,712
and she's like,
"Are you here for the 8:30?"

269
00:17:30,149 --> 00:17:32,385
"Is this your first time here?"

270
00:17:38,090 --> 00:17:41,100
"Because the doctors
prefer it that way."

271
00:17:45,164 --> 00:17:48,607
"'Cause then you won't
come in. Oh, God!

272
00:17:49,835 --> 00:17:51,804
"Take this clipboard,
and have a seat.

273
00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:53,473
"They'll call you in a few minutes."

274
00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:56,476
So he turns around,

275
00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:59,484
and he looks at me and my sofa,

276
00:18:00,446 --> 00:18:02,057
and he's like...

277
00:18:05,017 --> 00:18:09,233
I swear it was like the opening
scene to the movie Pacific Rim.

278
00:18:09,555 --> 00:18:10,958
He's like...

279
00:18:12,058 --> 00:18:13,197
I was like...

280
00:18:15,361 --> 00:18:18,337
"No! No one's sitting here!"

281
00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:23,239
"Yeah. It's all you, bro."

282
00:18:48,394 --> 00:18:49,962
He turns around,

283
00:18:50,062 --> 00:18:51,964
and he lines himself
up with the sofa,

284
00:18:52,064 --> 00:18:54,667
and he starts doing this
little shuffle backwards.

285
00:18:54,767 --> 00:18:57,570
Now keep in mind I see this
coming towards me, right?

286
00:18:57,670 --> 00:18:58,804
He's like...

287
00:19:01,807 --> 00:19:03,309
All of a sudden,
the back of his knees

288
00:19:03,409 --> 00:19:05,978
hit the edge of the couch,
and you hear the click.

289
00:19:07,513 --> 00:19:09,148
And then free fall.

290
00:19:11,283 --> 00:19:14,123
And he hit. And I was like, "Whoa!"

291
00:19:16,589 --> 00:19:18,324
And at that moment,
they call me in, you know.

292
00:19:18,424 --> 00:19:20,493
"Mr. Iglesias." "Hey, wish me luck."

293
00:19:22,294 --> 00:19:25,164
So I walk into the office.
I'm greeted by a nurse.

294
00:19:25,264 --> 00:19:26,666
The nurse is really nice.

295
00:19:26,766 --> 00:19:29,669
In addition to being nice,
she's actually a fan,

296
00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:31,504
which made it so much better for me.

297
00:19:31,604 --> 00:19:33,005
She comes over, and she's like,

298
00:19:33,105 --> 00:19:35,841
"Mr. Iglesias, this is such an honor.

299
00:19:35,941 --> 00:19:38,044
"I'm such a huge fan.

300
00:19:38,144 --> 00:19:41,723
"I am going to make this
as painless as possible.

301
00:19:42,448 --> 00:19:44,491
"I have to weigh you."

302
00:19:45,451 --> 00:19:47,853
I'm like, "You know what? I'm good.
I weighed myself at the house.

303
00:19:47,953 --> 00:19:50,895
"I'm 445 pounds. I'm good."

304
00:19:51,323 --> 00:19:53,525
"I have to confirm that."

305
00:19:53,793 --> 00:19:57,338
And in my head, I'm like,
"Why would I make that up?"

306
00:19:58,464 --> 00:20:00,733
You know what I mean?
Like, if you're 200 pounds

307
00:20:00,833 --> 00:20:04,036
and you lie and say
you're 195, I get it,

308
00:20:04,136 --> 00:20:06,405
but once you achieve
a certain level of...

309
00:20:08,974 --> 00:20:10,619
It's pretty clear.

310
00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:13,212
So I said, "Fine. Where's it at?"

311
00:20:13,312 --> 00:20:15,214
"Excuse me?" "Where's it at?
Where's the scale?"

312
00:20:15,314 --> 00:20:16,983
Because I want to
walk up to the scale,

313
00:20:17,083 --> 00:20:18,718
so I can grab the stupid brick,

314
00:20:18,818 --> 00:20:21,554
pick it up, slide it all the way
to the end, and put it down.

315
00:20:21,654 --> 00:20:23,322
You know the scale I'm
talking about, right?

316
00:20:23,422 --> 00:20:26,336
The one that has that heavy arm,
where you get on, and it's loud?

317
00:20:28,260 --> 00:20:29,729
I call it the "Scale Nazi."

318
00:20:29,829 --> 00:20:32,098
You get on, and
it's like, "Sieg Heil!"

319
00:20:37,703 --> 00:20:38,904
She starts laughing.

320
00:20:39,004 --> 00:20:41,674
She goes, "Mr. Iglesias,
you are so silly.

321
00:20:41,774 --> 00:20:44,614
"Actually, our scale is industrial."

322
00:20:48,347 --> 00:20:51,017
Any time someone uses
the word "industrial"

323
00:20:51,117 --> 00:20:54,127
and you're in the sentence,
ho-ho, you messed up.

324
00:20:55,588 --> 00:20:58,491
She goes, "Mr. Iglesias,
it's built directly into the floor.

325
00:20:58,591 --> 00:20:59,992
"Stand on the little X."

326
00:21:00,092 --> 00:21:03,068
I'm like, "Oh, my God! I'm a semi."

327
00:21:06,031 --> 00:21:07,366
And then she gives me instructions.

328
00:21:07,466 --> 00:21:09,969
She goes, "Yeah, Mr. Iglesias,
listen. Stand still.

329
00:21:10,069 --> 00:21:11,837
"I'm going to press the
little button on the wall.

330
00:21:11,937 --> 00:21:13,172
"It's going to make a sound,

331
00:21:13,272 --> 00:21:16,008
"and then your weight is going
to appear in the little window."

332
00:21:16,108 --> 00:21:17,510
And I'm like, "Make a sound?"

333
00:21:17,610 --> 00:21:20,586
In my head, I'm like,
"I hope it's not, you know..."

334
00:21:23,449 --> 00:21:24,817
So I'm bracing myself. I'm waiting.

335
00:21:24,917 --> 00:21:28,287
I'm like... And as she presses
it and it was actually cute.

336
00:21:28,387 --> 00:21:30,191
It was like a casino sound.
It was like...

337
00:21:32,925 --> 00:21:34,326
"Hold on! My shoes!"

338
00:21:36,095 --> 00:21:38,631
You're laughing.
It's three pounds, bro.

339
00:21:41,100 --> 00:21:44,136
So then she walks me
into the doctor's office.

340
00:21:44,236 --> 00:21:45,638
I sit down. Doctor walks in,

341
00:21:45,738 --> 00:21:47,139
and we spoke for an hour.

342
00:21:47,239 --> 00:21:50,076
In a nutshell, what he says is
that he wants to take my stomach,

343
00:21:50,176 --> 00:21:53,479
which, in his opinion, is the
size of an NFL football,

344
00:21:53,579 --> 00:21:56,816
and he wants to cut it and make
it the size of a hard-boiled egg.

345
00:21:56,916 --> 00:21:58,884
Therefore, you only eat this much,

346
00:21:58,984 --> 00:22:00,820
and you lose weight with time.

347
00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:02,655
Problem with gastric bypass is that

348
00:22:02,755 --> 00:22:05,991
if you don't stick to their
program religiously,

349
00:22:06,091 --> 00:22:07,660
not only will you not lose weight,

350
00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:09,228
you will gain weight,

351
00:22:09,328 --> 00:22:11,163
and you'll have a series
of complications.

352
00:22:11,263 --> 00:22:13,566
And then he asked,
"Do you travel a lot?"

353
00:22:13,666 --> 00:22:16,235
I'm like, "I'm on the road
46 weeks out of the year."

354
00:22:16,335 --> 00:22:17,703
He goes, "This is not
going to work for you."

355
00:22:17,803 --> 00:22:19,983
I'm like, "I agree. I like two eggs."

356
00:22:22,341 --> 00:22:23,409
I said, "Well, what should I do?"

357
00:22:23,509 --> 00:22:25,244
He goes, "I don't know,
but this isn't going to work."

358
00:22:25,344 --> 00:22:27,513
So I left the office.
I was bummed out, you guys.

359
00:22:27,613 --> 00:22:28,681
I get in my car.

360
00:22:28,781 --> 00:22:30,182
I was so depressed, because I'm like,

361
00:22:30,282 --> 00:22:31,751
"Someone told me I
got two years to live.

362
00:22:31,851 --> 00:22:35,187
"Surgery is my last hope."
And so I started crying.

363
00:22:35,287 --> 00:22:36,722
I was sad. I was in
the car. I'm crying.

364
00:22:36,822 --> 00:22:38,357
I'm like, "What the
hell am I going to do?"

365
00:22:38,457 --> 00:22:42,161
And the only thing that could
cheer me up was a drive-through.

366
00:22:43,162 --> 00:22:44,363
And I know that sounds crazy.

367
00:22:44,463 --> 00:22:46,365
Some of you are like,
"Isn't that what got you

368
00:22:46,465 --> 00:22:48,300
"in that position to begin with?"

369
00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:50,970
Yes! But it's the only
thing that made sense.

370
00:22:51,070 --> 00:22:52,805
There's a reason why it's called

371
00:22:52,905 --> 00:22:55,207
"comfort food." Think about that.

372
00:22:55,307 --> 00:22:57,143
Any time you see someone
eating a burger,

373
00:22:57,243 --> 00:23:00,014
they never look sad.
They always look happy.

374
00:23:00,479 --> 00:23:02,047
You might look sad walking in,

375
00:23:02,147 --> 00:23:03,449
you might look sad walking out,

376
00:23:03,549 --> 00:23:06,485
but when the actual event of
eating a burger is happening,

377
00:23:06,585 --> 00:23:08,765
life couldn't be better.

378
00:23:08,988 --> 00:23:10,422
That's right.

379
00:23:14,360 --> 00:23:17,496
My girl told me that I make
sounds when I eat burgers.

380
00:23:17,596 --> 00:23:19,465
I didn't know. Apparently I do.

381
00:23:19,565 --> 00:23:21,400
I'm eating a burger, and I'm like...

382
00:23:28,274 --> 00:23:31,644
She was like, "Are you eating that,
or are you eating that?"

383
00:23:36,048 --> 00:23:38,918
Think about it. Who's sad when
they're eating fast food?

384
00:23:39,018 --> 00:23:39,952
I'll tell you who's sad,

385
00:23:40,052 --> 00:23:42,588
the person eating a salad,
watching someone eat fast food.

386
00:23:42,688 --> 00:23:45,090
That's who's sad. You know?

387
00:23:45,190 --> 00:23:49,270
So I pull up to this fast-food
restaurant with a big "M" on it.

388
00:23:50,129 --> 00:23:52,431
And the guy on the speaker's like,
you know, "May I help you?"

389
00:23:52,531 --> 00:23:55,769
And I'm crying. I'm like,
"You have no idea."

390
00:23:56,769 --> 00:24:01,307
What I eventually wound up doing,
you guys, is I started low-carbing.

391
00:24:01,407 --> 00:24:04,343
Now, I am not eating
healthy by no means, okay?

392
00:24:04,443 --> 00:24:08,314
I still eat fast food every single day,
and people question it.

393
00:24:08,414 --> 00:24:11,483
"How do you eat fast food
and lose 100 pounds?"

394
00:24:11,583 --> 00:24:13,118
I'll give you an example.

395
00:24:13,218 --> 00:24:15,888
I'll go to a burger place,
and I'll order a double cheeseburger.

396
00:24:15,988 --> 00:24:17,122
I won't eat the bread.

397
00:24:17,222 --> 00:24:18,958
I won't eat the onions,
the tomato, the ketchup.

398
00:24:19,058 --> 00:24:21,060
I'll eat the meat, the cheese,
the mayo, the mustard,

399
00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:23,966
and I'll order up to three with,
like, three diet sodas.

400
00:24:24,296 --> 00:24:26,365
And people go, "That's unhealthy.

401
00:24:26,465 --> 00:24:28,500
"The cholesterol's gonna kill you."

402
00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:31,370
I agree. But guess what?

403
00:24:31,470 --> 00:24:33,472
Cholesterol's gonna take
10 years to kill me.

404
00:24:33,572 --> 00:24:35,007
Diabetes is going to do it in two.

405
00:24:35,107 --> 00:24:36,843
Right now, I'm winning by eight.

406
00:24:43,349 --> 00:24:46,223
Hell, yeah. That's called
"Fluffy math," bro.

407
00:24:46,785 --> 00:24:48,320
There's a lot of people
mad in here right now.

408
00:24:48,420 --> 00:24:51,066
"Fluffy found a loophole." Yes.

409
00:24:51,423 --> 00:24:53,025
So I started low-carbing.

410
00:24:53,125 --> 00:24:56,595
I started doing yoga and I know
that sounds like a joke right there.

411
00:24:56,695 --> 00:24:58,664
Yeah, some of you are like,
"He means yogurt."

412
00:24:58,764 --> 00:25:01,367
No, yoga. Frigging DDP, help me.

413
00:25:01,467 --> 00:25:03,836
And then, I started lifting weights.

414
00:25:03,936 --> 00:25:05,604
And it's kind of hard
for me, you guys,

415
00:25:05,704 --> 00:25:07,907
because now I have people
at my shows telling me,

416
00:25:08,007 --> 00:25:10,009
"We're noticing there's
a little difference.

417
00:25:10,109 --> 00:25:12,044
"You're a little less fluffy.

418
00:25:12,144 --> 00:25:14,713
"What's going to happen
if you keep losing weight?

419
00:25:14,813 --> 00:25:16,181
"What are we going to call you?

420
00:25:16,281 --> 00:25:17,516
"What are we going to call you?"

421
00:25:17,616 --> 00:25:20,524
I lift weights. Call me
"Buffy." I don't care.

422
00:25:21,820 --> 00:25:24,690
The point is, is that I'm not trying
to lose weight for vanity's sake.

423
00:25:24,790 --> 00:25:25,858
I'm very secure.

424
00:25:25,958 --> 00:25:27,526
The point is that I'm
trying to lose weight

425
00:25:27,626 --> 00:25:30,396
so I can be around for my family,
so I can be around for my friends,

426
00:25:30,496 --> 00:25:32,598
and so I can be around for you.

427
00:25:41,473 --> 00:25:43,108
I'm not trying to preach to nobody.

428
00:25:43,208 --> 00:25:44,643
"This is what you got
to do with your life."

429
00:25:44,743 --> 00:25:45,978
Hell, no. Shoot,
you like burgers? Kill it.

430
00:25:48,380 --> 00:25:50,716
I'm just saying that's what I'm
going through. And then people think,

431
00:25:50,816 --> 00:25:53,719
"Oh, he's trying to lose weight,
because he's doing movies.

432
00:25:53,819 --> 00:25:56,989
"He wants to look better.
He wants to be accepted.

433
00:25:57,089 --> 00:25:59,391
"He wants to be accep..."
No, no, no, no.

434
00:25:59,491 --> 00:26:01,727
Don't get it twisted, you guys.
Don't even think that.

435
00:26:01,827 --> 00:26:05,230
At my highest weight of 445 pounds,

436
00:26:05,330 --> 00:26:09,234
the level of acceptance I
had was amazing, okay?

437
00:26:09,334 --> 00:26:11,170
To put it to you like this...

438
00:26:14,206 --> 00:26:15,741
To put it to you like this,

439
00:26:15,841 --> 00:26:18,010
at 445 pounds,

440
00:26:18,110 --> 00:26:20,679
there was women throwing
themselves at me.

441
00:26:20,779 --> 00:26:23,050
At 445 pounds,

442
00:26:23,749 --> 00:26:25,485
there was men.

443
00:26:27,719 --> 00:26:32,061
Oh, and, Bay Area, let me tell
you something about gay men.

444
00:26:32,958 --> 00:26:35,832
I know you're in here.
I saw the line.

445
00:26:37,429 --> 00:26:39,164
I'm going to tell you
something about gay men.

446
00:26:39,264 --> 00:26:41,300
Gay men are very creative.

447
00:26:41,400 --> 00:26:44,970
They're very persistent,
and they're very opportunistic

448
00:26:45,070 --> 00:26:47,910
when they want to
achieve the mission.

449
00:26:49,808 --> 00:26:52,611
They're just as calculated
as straight men are.

450
00:26:52,711 --> 00:26:54,213
I'll give you an example.
I'll tell you a story, right?

451
00:26:54,313 --> 00:26:58,317
So one night, Martin and I are at
a bar, and we're having drinks,

452
00:26:58,417 --> 00:26:59,985
and that should come as no surprise.

453
00:27:00,085 --> 00:27:02,322
"Really? They were drinking?"
Yeah. We killed it. So...

454
00:27:03,255 --> 00:27:05,724
As we're drinking,
Martin is paying attention,

455
00:27:05,824 --> 00:27:08,460
and he's listening in to a
conversation that's happening

456
00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:11,397
about 15 feet away
between these two girls.

457
00:27:11,497 --> 00:27:13,832
They're going back and forth,
and one of 'em was like,

458
00:27:13,932 --> 00:27:17,569
"I don't believe we
finished the whole bottle.

459
00:27:17,669 --> 00:27:21,442
"How the hell are we
supposed to get home?"

460
00:27:21,807 --> 00:27:24,810
Martin stands up,
looks at me, and says,

461
00:27:24,910 --> 00:27:27,454
"Bro, I'll be back."

462
00:27:28,981 --> 00:27:31,821
And then it began, the hunt.

463
00:27:32,017 --> 00:27:33,218
You know, freaking...

464
00:27:40,993 --> 00:27:43,162
Gay men are the exact same way.

465
00:27:43,262 --> 00:27:45,497
They listen. They focus.
They pay attention.

466
00:27:45,597 --> 00:27:47,733
They wait for one of the cows to
get away from the rest of the herd,

467
00:27:47,833 --> 00:27:50,479
so they can corner it and strike.

468
00:27:51,103 --> 00:27:53,605
Four hours later,
Martin and I are at the bar,

469
00:27:53,705 --> 00:27:56,175
and I'm 16 shots of tequila in.

470
00:27:56,275 --> 00:27:57,242
Whoo!

471
00:27:57,342 --> 00:27:59,818
Oh, yeah, and I feel fantastic!

472
00:28:02,014 --> 00:28:04,716
And I tell Martin,
"Bro, I don't remember

473
00:28:04,816 --> 00:28:08,187
"the last time I had this
many shots of tequila."

474
00:28:08,287 --> 00:28:10,389
And Martin goes,
"Bro, you're crazy, Fluffy.

475
00:28:10,489 --> 00:28:13,025
"You're crazy. Wait right here.
I got to pee."

476
00:28:13,125 --> 00:28:14,626
And so he leaves to the restroom,

477
00:28:14,726 --> 00:28:16,595
and I'm leaning against the bar.

478
00:28:16,695 --> 00:28:18,931
The bar is the only thing
keeping me standing.

479
00:28:19,031 --> 00:28:21,700
And from across the room,
this guy stands up,

480
00:28:21,800 --> 00:28:24,970
looks at his friends,
and says, "I'll be back."

481
00:28:36,715 --> 00:28:39,794
And then it began, the hunt.

482
00:28:47,159 --> 00:28:49,161
And he gets in my face,
and he tells me,

483
00:28:49,261 --> 00:28:52,397
"I just have to say I am
such a huge fan of yours.

484
00:28:52,497 --> 00:28:54,066
"Oh, my God!"

485
00:28:54,166 --> 00:28:57,436
Any time someone says
they're a huge fan of mine,

486
00:28:57,536 --> 00:28:59,571
it automatically makes me smile,

487
00:28:59,671 --> 00:29:01,908
even more so if I've been drinking.

488
00:29:02,841 --> 00:29:06,614
Oh, yeah, if I'm drinking,
I'm like, "Thank you. Thank you."

489
00:29:07,512 --> 00:29:10,716
Bro, I was so loaded,
I bowed. "Thank you."

490
00:29:16,888 --> 00:29:18,957
The guy puts his hand on my shoulder,

491
00:29:19,057 --> 00:29:20,926
and he says, "I just have to say

492
00:29:21,026 --> 00:29:22,828
"you have gotten me
through some difficult..."

493
00:29:22,928 --> 00:29:24,496
And he stops talking,

494
00:29:24,596 --> 00:29:28,642
and he squeezes,
and he goes, "Oh, my God!

495
00:29:30,535 --> 00:29:32,408
"Do you work out?"

496
00:29:34,273 --> 00:29:37,647
I was so drunk, I said, "A little.

497
00:29:40,646 --> 00:29:42,917
"You're the first person to notice!"

498
00:29:44,716 --> 00:29:46,151
And he's like,
"Oh, you can totally tell."

499
00:29:46,251 --> 00:29:48,120
And he squeezed again,
and I said... "Ahh."

500
00:29:48,220 --> 00:29:49,688
"I'm sorry. Am I overstepping?"

501
00:29:49,788 --> 00:29:51,456
"No, bro, you don't understand.

502
00:29:51,556 --> 00:29:54,327
"I'm stressed out.
That felt pretty good."

503
00:29:55,727 --> 00:29:57,029
"Want me to rub both your shoulders

504
00:29:57,129 --> 00:29:59,565
"and your back and scratch it?
'Cause I will."

505
00:30:05,737 --> 00:30:07,280
"Hey, go for it."

506
00:30:09,574 --> 00:30:12,144
He grabs me by
the shoulders, you guys.

507
00:30:12,244 --> 00:30:15,647
He grabs me by the shoulders,
and he turns me around.

508
00:30:15,747 --> 00:30:17,749
Now I'm facing the bartender,

509
00:30:17,849 --> 00:30:20,352
and the bar-tender
is trying to warn me.

510
00:30:20,452 --> 00:30:23,531
The bartender's like, "Hello!

511
00:30:23,689 --> 00:30:25,960
"Hello!

512
00:30:26,525 --> 00:30:28,636
"Hello!

513
00:30:31,663 --> 00:30:33,638
"Hello!"

514
00:30:36,768 --> 00:30:38,676
I'm so drunk, I'm like...

515
00:30:41,840 --> 00:30:46,222
This guy is working my
neck well. I'm like...

516
00:30:48,313 --> 00:30:51,153
It feels so good, I push off the bar.

517
00:30:52,284 --> 00:30:55,354
At that moment,
Martin returns from the restroom.

518
00:30:55,454 --> 00:30:57,089
He sees what's going on.

519
00:30:57,189 --> 00:30:59,591
He doesn't stop it.
He doesn't say a word.

520
00:30:59,691 --> 00:31:03,065
As far as I know,
"Machete" is taking notes.

521
00:31:05,731 --> 00:31:07,599
The guy turns me back
around, and he says,

522
00:31:07,699 --> 00:31:10,936
"I just have to say,
if you were mine,

523
00:31:11,036 --> 00:31:15,378
"I would cook for you every
single day of your life."

524
00:31:16,408 --> 00:31:18,977
At that moment,
Martin cuts into the conversation

525
00:31:19,077 --> 00:31:21,246
like a referee at the
end of a bad fight,

526
00:31:21,346 --> 00:31:22,781
and he hugs me, and he holds me,

527
00:31:22,881 --> 00:31:25,083
and he goes, "Dude,"
and I go, "Dude,"

528
00:31:25,183 --> 00:31:26,618
and then I looked at the guy.

529
00:31:26,718 --> 00:31:28,955
"Hey, what can you cook?"

530
00:31:30,255 --> 00:31:32,090
And Martin shook me.
"Gabriel." "What?"

531
00:31:32,190 --> 00:31:34,393
And he drags me away, and I go,

532
00:31:34,493 --> 00:31:36,795
"Martin, what are you doing, bro?

533
00:31:36,895 --> 00:31:39,097
"You can't do that. That's rude."

534
00:31:39,197 --> 00:31:41,733
He goes, "Dude, that guy was
trying to hook up with you."

535
00:31:41,833 --> 00:31:44,336
"No, Martin. No.

536
00:31:44,436 --> 00:31:46,946
"He was trying to feed me.

537
00:31:48,173 --> 00:31:51,081
"Why are you always
food-blocking, bro?"

538
00:31:51,543 --> 00:31:53,812
"I'm your friend,
I'm your friend, Gabriel."

539
00:31:53,912 --> 00:31:57,082
"You're not my friend!
You're not my friend!

540
00:31:57,182 --> 00:32:00,329
"When's the last time you
rubbed my shoulders, huh?

541
00:32:00,852 --> 00:32:03,755
"When's the last time you said,
'Fluffy, I'll cook for you'?

542
00:32:03,855 --> 00:32:07,298
"You don't cook for me!
You made me throw away muffins!"

543
00:32:09,428 --> 00:32:11,463
We're arguing so hard, you guys,

544
00:32:11,563 --> 00:32:14,073
now this guy thinks we're gay.

545
00:32:15,100 --> 00:32:17,169
He's like, "Oh, my God.
I'm such a home-wrecker."

546
00:32:17,269 --> 00:32:19,073
And then he ran.

547
00:32:21,940 --> 00:32:24,279
The point to that story is,

548
00:32:25,944 --> 00:32:29,091
I started losing weight
for health reasons.

549
00:32:30,715 --> 00:32:33,259
Some of you are like,
"He went a little far for that."

550
00:32:33,418 --> 00:32:34,858
Poquito.

551
00:32:35,654 --> 00:32:39,458
What I think is funny is that now
people are questioning my shows.

552
00:32:39,558 --> 00:32:42,494
They're like, "Well, what is
Gabriel going to talk about

553
00:32:42,594 --> 00:32:44,463
"if he continues to lose weight?

554
00:32:44,563 --> 00:32:46,208
"What's he going to talk about?"

555
00:32:46,731 --> 00:32:48,500
I'm like, seriously,
between the amount

556
00:32:48,600 --> 00:32:50,635
of crazy friends that I have

557
00:32:50,735 --> 00:32:53,572
and the amount of alcohol
I drink on a regular basis

558
00:32:53,672 --> 00:32:56,808
and the amount of crazy,
random places we visit,

559
00:32:56,908 --> 00:32:59,211
I will always have
stories for you guys.

560
00:32:59,311 --> 00:33:00,846
Random stories.

561
00:33:08,153 --> 00:33:10,088
Stories no one else has.

562
00:33:10,188 --> 00:33:13,801
Stories like Martin and I
just got back from India.

563
00:33:14,759 --> 00:33:16,063
Yeah.

564
00:33:16,595 --> 00:33:19,931
So let me tell you, I started
posting on Facebook and Twitter

565
00:33:20,031 --> 00:33:22,000
that we were going to go
out there to do these shows,

566
00:33:22,100 --> 00:33:24,403
and then people started
sending me messages,

567
00:33:24,503 --> 00:33:26,171
questioning what I was going to do.

568
00:33:26,271 --> 00:33:30,008
First of all, "Are they gonna
understand you in India?

569
00:33:30,108 --> 00:33:31,910
"Will they understand English okay?

570
00:33:32,010 --> 00:33:34,946
"Will they be able to follow
along with your stories?"

571
00:33:35,046 --> 00:33:37,249
Once we got there, I come to find out

572
00:33:37,349 --> 00:33:40,018
that more people speak
English in India

573
00:33:40,118 --> 00:33:44,189
than in all of the US and
Canada put together.

574
00:33:44,289 --> 00:33:47,834
Might as well throw Mexico
in there for extra credit.

575
00:33:48,293 --> 00:33:49,728
Because there's that many people,

576
00:33:49,828 --> 00:33:51,430
and, yes, they have the Internet.

577
00:33:51,530 --> 00:33:53,732
They got the Internet.
They got Bollywood. They got Hollywood.

578
00:33:53,832 --> 00:33:55,901
They understand American culture

579
00:33:56,001 --> 00:33:58,970
so much more than we
understand theirs.

580
00:33:59,070 --> 00:34:02,441
Second thing, people tried to
warn me about going over there.

581
00:34:02,541 --> 00:34:06,812
"Gabriel, be careful.
India is a Third World country,

582
00:34:06,912 --> 00:34:08,713
"Don't drink the water in India.

583
00:34:08,813 --> 00:34:11,883
"It contains parasites that'll
make you really sick.

584
00:34:11,983 --> 00:34:15,554
"Don't eat the food from the street
people, especially the street meat.

585
00:34:15,654 --> 00:34:18,723
"It contains a parasite
that'll make you really sick.

586
00:34:18,823 --> 00:34:21,927
"And most importantly,
there's a lot of crime over there.

587
00:34:22,027 --> 00:34:24,496
"Don't stay out late.
When the sun goes down,

588
00:34:24,596 --> 00:34:26,469
"you go down."

589
00:34:27,832 --> 00:34:29,601
I'm like, "Is it that bad?"

590
00:34:29,701 --> 00:34:31,312
"Parasites."

591
00:34:32,337 --> 00:34:33,805
So I'm like, "Let me
get this straight.

592
00:34:33,905 --> 00:34:36,141
"There's a lot of crime.
Don't stay out late.

593
00:34:36,241 --> 00:34:38,577
"Don't eat any of the food
from the street vendors,

594
00:34:38,677 --> 00:34:40,946
"and don't drink the water.

595
00:34:41,046 --> 00:34:43,281
"Why does that sound familiar?

596
00:34:47,118 --> 00:34:48,956
"That's Mexico!"

597
00:34:57,862 --> 00:34:59,798
When Martin and I got over there,

598
00:34:59,898 --> 00:35:03,535
we found out that Indian
people and Mexican people

599
00:35:03,635 --> 00:35:05,937
have so much in common, you guys.

600
00:35:06,037 --> 00:35:10,709
I'm telling you it's insane how
similar we are, especially the food.

601
00:35:10,809 --> 00:35:12,277
The food is so similar.

602
00:35:12,377 --> 00:35:15,447
For example, Mexicans love tortillas.

603
00:35:15,547 --> 00:35:17,949
Indian people love naan bread,

604
00:35:18,049 --> 00:35:20,952
which is a fluffier
form of a tortilla.

605
00:35:21,052 --> 00:35:23,722
Mexicans love chicken.
Indians love chicken.

606
00:35:23,822 --> 00:35:25,557
Mexicans love hot and spicy.

607
00:35:25,657 --> 00:35:28,627
Indians invented hot and spicy.

608
00:35:28,727 --> 00:35:31,630
Most popular drink
in Mexico is Fanta.

609
00:35:31,730 --> 00:35:34,466
Most popular drink in India is Fanta.

610
00:35:34,566 --> 00:35:36,334
Indian people worship cows.

611
00:35:36,434 --> 00:35:38,614
Mexicans love barbecues.

612
00:35:40,739 --> 00:35:42,714
Lot of similarities.

613
00:35:43,408 --> 00:35:44,976
Most of the people
that I met over there

614
00:35:45,076 --> 00:35:47,479
were very hardworking and humble,

615
00:35:47,579 --> 00:35:50,015
and I got to tell you,
every time I talked to someone,

616
00:35:50,115 --> 00:35:51,650
I was always greeted the same way.

617
00:35:51,750 --> 00:35:53,818
They'd look at me,
they'd put their hands together,

618
00:35:53,918 --> 00:35:57,531
they'd do a little bow,
and they say, "Namaste,"

619
00:35:57,989 --> 00:35:59,991
which is an endearing hello.

620
00:36:00,091 --> 00:36:01,693
It's really nice and sweet.

621
00:36:01,793 --> 00:36:04,829
And then I noticed that Indian people,
when you're talking to them,

622
00:36:04,929 --> 00:36:06,498
do this thing with their head,

623
00:36:06,598 --> 00:36:11,338
where it will begin to move side
to side as they're speaking.

624
00:36:11,670 --> 00:36:13,171
Now, at first, when you
notice it, you think,

625
00:36:13,271 --> 00:36:15,075
"Oh, he slept wrong.

626
00:36:15,273 --> 00:36:18,886
"He just got a kink in his neck.
Get a Tempur-Pedic!"

627
00:36:20,278 --> 00:36:21,846
Now, when they start speaking,

628
00:36:21,946 --> 00:36:23,081
their head starts moving,
and I noticed this.

629
00:36:23,181 --> 00:36:26,084
The guy is checking us in to
the hotel, and he's really cool.

630
00:36:26,184 --> 00:36:28,753
He's like, "Listen, if you have
any problems at all, okay,

631
00:36:28,853 --> 00:36:30,522
"you call the front desk,
you press zero.

632
00:36:30,622 --> 00:36:32,424
"We will send somebody to
your room to help you.

633
00:36:32,524 --> 00:36:34,225
"Whatever you need, we got it for you

634
00:36:34,325 --> 00:36:35,927
"right here, okay? It's very good."

635
00:36:36,027 --> 00:36:38,363
Now, one thing I notice
is the more they talk

636
00:36:38,463 --> 00:36:40,865
and the more excited
Indian people get,

637
00:36:40,965 --> 00:36:43,468
the more the head
starts to move around.

638
00:36:43,568 --> 00:36:46,204
Somebody at the hotel
yelled out to the clerk,

639
00:36:46,304 --> 00:36:47,639
"That's Fluffy."
And the guy was like,

640
00:36:47,739 --> 00:36:49,074
"Oh, my God! I don't believe it.

641
00:36:49,174 --> 00:36:51,376
"I knew it. I thought it was you.
I thought it was you.

642
00:36:51,476 --> 00:36:52,978
"Oh, my God! I cannot believe it.
This is so crazy.

643
00:36:53,078 --> 00:36:54,780
"Oh, my God, Fluffy. Fluffy! Fluffy!"

644
00:36:56,414 --> 00:37:01,393
Even crazier than that is that the
mouth is actually connected to the neck.

645
00:37:01,820 --> 00:37:03,388
When the mouth stops moving,

646
00:37:03,488 --> 00:37:05,991
the head stops wherever
the mouth left off.

647
00:37:06,091 --> 00:37:08,960
And when you see Indian people
talking to each other, you can see it.

648
00:37:09,060 --> 00:37:10,629
"Okay, let me tell you something.
Okay. Correct.

649
00:37:10,729 --> 00:37:13,565
"Oh, okay. Hold up. Wait. Wait. Wait.
Wait. Wait. Hold on. Wait. Okay."

650
00:37:13,665 --> 00:37:17,039
Like, if you're Indian, and you
stutter, you are so screwed.

651
00:37:18,169 --> 00:37:21,172
"I... I... I..."

652
00:37:21,272 --> 00:37:23,247
"Somebody stop him!"

653
00:37:28,379 --> 00:37:29,781
I'm not going to lie, you guys.

654
00:37:29,881 --> 00:37:33,893
When I first saw this happen,
I thought it was hysterical.

655
00:37:34,352 --> 00:37:36,187
I thought it was funny.

656
00:37:36,287 --> 00:37:38,123
But then I started thinking about it.

657
00:37:38,223 --> 00:37:41,092
Head movement is just
a form of expression.

658
00:37:41,192 --> 00:37:43,428
No matter where you
live in this world,

659
00:37:43,528 --> 00:37:47,032
people express themselves
in their own unique way,

660
00:37:47,132 --> 00:37:49,434
whether through facial expressions,

661
00:37:49,534 --> 00:37:53,038
hand gestures,
body movement, extra words.

662
00:37:53,138 --> 00:37:55,540
Everywhere you go,
things are different,

663
00:37:55,640 --> 00:37:58,810
and that's just how they
express themselves in India.

664
00:37:58,910 --> 00:38:01,279
Now back to the whole
Indians-Mexican thing.

665
00:38:01,379 --> 00:38:05,316
That is something else that we
share in common with Indian people.

666
00:38:05,416 --> 00:38:06,451
Head movement.

667
00:38:06,551 --> 00:38:08,119
Now, some of you in the
building tonight are like,

668
00:38:08,219 --> 00:38:10,989
"Stupid. We don't
have head movement."

669
00:38:11,089 --> 00:38:13,158
Yes, we do. It's a little different.

670
00:38:13,258 --> 00:38:17,270
See, with Indian people,
the head movement is side to side.

671
00:38:17,729 --> 00:38:21,433
Mexicans, our head
movement is front to back.

672
00:38:23,735 --> 00:38:28,973
The difference between that is that with
Mexicans, we have to be very, very upset

673
00:38:29,073 --> 00:38:31,076
in order for you to see
the head movement.

674
00:38:31,176 --> 00:38:32,644
Otherwise, you can't tell.

675
00:38:32,744 --> 00:38:34,813
With Indians, it's all the time.

676
00:38:34,913 --> 00:38:36,915
"Oh, today is such a nice day.

677
00:38:37,015 --> 00:38:39,050
"It is such a beautiful day today.

678
00:38:39,150 --> 00:38:41,019
"I am so happy.
It's very nice, very good.

679
00:38:41,119 --> 00:38:43,822
"Oh, my God. I can't believe it's
so nice. It's such a pretty..."

680
00:38:43,922 --> 00:38:46,925
Mexicans, when we're mad,
that's when it comes out.

681
00:38:47,025 --> 00:38:48,593
For non-Latinos, hey, trust me.

682
00:38:48,693 --> 00:38:50,995
You cut off a Mexican in traffic,
see what happens.

683
00:39:05,443 --> 00:39:07,779
That's funny. I don't know why
the black people are laughing.

684
00:39:07,879 --> 00:39:09,180
You guys take it all.

685
00:39:09,280 --> 00:39:11,416
"Oh, no, you didn't. Oh, hell, no!

686
00:39:11,516 --> 00:39:13,351
"I know he ain't talkin' 'bout me!

687
00:39:13,451 --> 00:39:16,825
"Uh-Uh. I hear the bell!
I hear the bell!"

688
00:39:21,726 --> 00:39:24,236
I made myself dizzy doing that.

689
00:39:28,566 --> 00:39:30,368
So let me tell you guys.

690
00:39:30,468 --> 00:39:33,772
If you ever get the opportunity

691
00:39:33,872 --> 00:39:36,177
to travel to India,

692
00:39:36,574 --> 00:39:38,443
I encourage you to check it out.

693
00:39:38,543 --> 00:39:41,379
You are going to see
some beautiful things.

694
00:39:41,479 --> 00:39:43,715
You are going to see
some amazing things.

695
00:39:43,815 --> 00:39:46,618
You are going to see some sad,
depressing things

696
00:39:46,718 --> 00:39:49,053
and some real horrible things.

697
00:39:49,153 --> 00:39:52,061
Overall, it's a well-balanced trip.

698
00:39:53,358 --> 00:39:56,261
But when you get back home
here to the United States,

699
00:39:56,361 --> 00:40:00,565
you will have a whole different
appreciation for your life.

700
00:40:00,665 --> 00:40:02,067
Believe that.

701
00:40:03,034 --> 00:40:05,214
I guarantee this, you guys.

702
00:40:06,037 --> 00:40:07,739
There's a lot of people in India,

703
00:40:07,839 --> 00:40:10,909
and with a lot of people
comes a lot of traffic.

704
00:40:11,009 --> 00:40:11,976
First things first.

705
00:40:12,076 --> 00:40:15,621
American traffic and Indian traffic,
very different.

706
00:40:16,281 --> 00:40:18,416
Here, whatever happens on the freeway

707
00:40:18,516 --> 00:40:20,559
will stop the whole freeway.

708
00:40:20,852 --> 00:40:24,465
In India, there's 10 times
the traffic, but it moves.

709
00:40:26,190 --> 00:40:28,693
See, the problem is Americans,
we're fascinated by accidents.

710
00:40:28,793 --> 00:40:31,473
We're fascinated by the idea
of seeing potential death.

711
00:40:32,697 --> 00:40:34,432
That's why we slow
down on the freeways.

712
00:40:34,532 --> 00:40:37,001
We say we don't want to see it,
but what happens in traffic?

713
00:40:37,101 --> 00:40:38,303
You know...

714
00:40:38,403 --> 00:40:40,139
"What's going on over there?"

715
00:40:43,942 --> 00:40:45,977
There doesn't even
have to be a collision.

716
00:40:46,077 --> 00:40:47,445
You could be on the 101 freeway

717
00:40:47,545 --> 00:40:50,381
and a car has a tire
blowout, and it spins.

718
00:40:52,216 --> 00:40:53,384
Doesn't hit anything.

719
00:40:53,484 --> 00:40:55,820
It's now facing oncoming traffic.

720
00:40:55,920 --> 00:40:57,997
You know what happens to
the rest of the freeway?

721
00:41:00,725 --> 00:41:03,769
Even on the other freeway,
where there's no accident.

722
00:41:05,763 --> 00:41:09,000
And again, "Why? What's going on?
What's going on?"

723
00:41:10,234 --> 00:41:14,277
"I'm sorry. Hey, somebody might
be dead. Sorry. Oh."

724
00:41:15,907 --> 00:41:17,742
In India, if there's an accident

725
00:41:17,842 --> 00:41:19,911
in the middle of the street,
you know what they do?

726
00:41:20,011 --> 00:41:23,014
They drive right around it.
They don't stop.

727
00:41:23,114 --> 00:41:25,750
And it's not that they're not
sensitive to the situation.

728
00:41:25,850 --> 00:41:27,685
They are. It's just that
there's so much chaos

729
00:41:27,785 --> 00:41:29,554
that happens on a regular basis,

730
00:41:29,654 --> 00:41:31,155
they just need to get to work.

731
00:41:31,255 --> 00:41:32,523
They do see what's happening,

732
00:41:32,623 --> 00:41:34,192
and, believe me,
they're heartfelt, you know.

733
00:41:34,292 --> 00:41:35,835
They'll drive around, you know.

734
00:41:35,960 --> 00:41:37,537
"I am so sorry for you."

735
00:41:40,498 --> 00:41:44,168
Nothing stops the flow
of traffic in India.

736
00:41:44,268 --> 00:41:48,239
They need to get from point A to
point B, and so they go. They go.

737
00:41:48,339 --> 00:41:49,574
If there's an accident,
they drive around.

738
00:41:49,674 --> 00:41:51,075
If there's something
blocking the street,

739
00:41:51,175 --> 00:41:53,578
they get on the
sidewalk to go around.

740
00:41:53,678 --> 00:41:55,380
It's amazing, the way they drive.

741
00:41:55,480 --> 00:41:56,915
And here's something else.

742
00:41:57,015 --> 00:41:59,183
No one uses turn signals over there.

743
00:41:59,283 --> 00:42:01,753
No one uses turn signals.

744
00:42:01,853 --> 00:42:03,521
They use a horn.

745
00:42:03,621 --> 00:42:05,023
Now, if you go to India tomorrow,

746
00:42:05,123 --> 00:42:06,858
from the time you get there
to the time you leave,

747
00:42:06,958 --> 00:42:08,927
you're constantly
going to hear a horn.

748
00:42:09,027 --> 00:42:11,896
It's an actual language
when people are driving.

749
00:42:11,996 --> 00:42:13,504
I'll show you. You're driving.

750
00:42:14,832 --> 00:42:18,703
Car on your right. Car on
your left. Light up ahead.

751
00:42:18,803 --> 00:42:20,538
They talk to each other
while they're driving,

752
00:42:20,638 --> 00:42:24,609
and they barely miss each
other every single time.

753
00:42:24,709 --> 00:42:27,045
Also, you'll be on the
101 freeway here,

754
00:42:27,145 --> 00:42:28,579
and there'll be six lanes.

755
00:42:28,679 --> 00:42:30,882
In India, you'll see six lanes,
but guess what?

756
00:42:30,982 --> 00:42:32,786
You'll see 12 cars across.

757
00:42:34,018 --> 00:42:36,554
Yes, they have lines, but they're
basically there to let you know

758
00:42:36,654 --> 00:42:39,130
more or less the direction
you might want to go in.

759
00:42:40,158 --> 00:42:41,926
They're this close to each other,

760
00:42:42,026 --> 00:42:43,895
and even at the light,
they communicate.

761
00:42:45,263 --> 00:42:46,264
You see everything,

762
00:42:46,364 --> 00:42:48,933
cars, trucks, vans,
motorcycles, pedestrians,

763
00:42:49,033 --> 00:42:51,804
cows, children,
all waiting for the light.

764
00:42:54,605 --> 00:42:56,675
And they talk at the
light with the horn.

765
00:42:57,075 --> 00:43:01,785
"Very good. You can go. You can go."
"Welcome. You're welcome. Go, go."

766
00:43:03,614 --> 00:43:06,150
Nothing stops the flow
of traffic over there.

767
00:43:06,250 --> 00:43:09,687
Indian people drive... Think of ants.

768
00:43:09,787 --> 00:43:12,023
You know how ants travel
in a straight line,

769
00:43:12,123 --> 00:43:15,927
and if there's something in the way,
like a rock, ants will split up,

770
00:43:16,027 --> 00:43:19,263
go around the rock, and reunite,
or climb over the rock.

771
00:43:19,363 --> 00:43:22,633
Worst-case scenario, they dig
a hole and go under the rock.

772
00:43:22,733 --> 00:43:25,436
That's the mentality
of driving in India.

773
00:43:25,536 --> 00:43:29,115
A man can get shot in
the middle of the street.

774
00:43:31,309 --> 00:43:32,643
People just look at each other.

775
00:43:32,743 --> 00:43:34,923
"Somebody pick him up."

776
00:43:35,880 --> 00:43:38,016
And they'll drag his
ass onto the sidewalk,

777
00:43:38,116 --> 00:43:40,351
and if there's an accident
and they need to get around,

778
00:43:40,451 --> 00:43:42,620
guess what's going to happen
to that guy on the sidewalk.

779
00:43:45,723 --> 00:43:48,960
Nothing stops the flow
of traffic in India,

780
00:43:49,060 --> 00:43:51,297
except a cow.

781
00:43:52,763 --> 00:43:55,366
Now, I know we've always heard
the stories and the jokes about,

782
00:43:55,466 --> 00:43:57,301
"Oh, Indian people
don't eat hamburgers."

783
00:43:57,401 --> 00:43:59,804
I asked the question,
and I found out.

784
00:43:59,904 --> 00:44:03,808
It's believed that cows
are people who have died,

785
00:44:03,908 --> 00:44:05,576
and they've been reincarnated,

786
00:44:05,676 --> 00:44:07,812
and their new life is now the cow,

787
00:44:07,912 --> 00:44:09,380
which is why they don't eat them

788
00:44:09,480 --> 00:44:12,550
and why they give 'em all the love
and respect in the world over there.

789
00:44:12,650 --> 00:44:14,318
I saw this firsthand.

790
00:44:14,418 --> 00:44:17,321
There's a cow crossing the
street while we're driving.

791
00:44:17,421 --> 00:44:18,856
And the cows know. They're cocky.

792
00:44:18,956 --> 00:44:23,907
They know that they can cross.
Frigging... All the cars...

793
00:44:25,429 --> 00:44:27,708
And the cow's out there all cocky.

794
00:44:35,506 --> 00:44:37,341
No one honks at the cows.

795
00:44:37,441 --> 00:44:39,911
No one yells at the cows.
No one touches the cows.

796
00:44:40,011 --> 00:44:42,513
They wait for the cows
to finish crossing.

797
00:44:42,613 --> 00:44:45,054
The cow that we had laid down.

798
00:44:46,617 --> 00:44:49,229
The driver just shut off the car.

799
00:44:49,787 --> 00:44:51,622
Started tweeting.

800
00:44:51,722 --> 00:44:54,025
"There is a cow

801
00:44:54,125 --> 00:44:55,998
"in the middle of the street.

802
00:44:58,996 --> 00:45:00,698
"

803
00:45:06,470 --> 00:45:09,107
I asked the driver,
"What's going on?"

804
00:45:09,207 --> 00:45:11,216
"Sir, there is a cow."

805
00:45:11,642 --> 00:45:13,111
"I see that there's a cow.

806
00:45:13,211 --> 00:45:15,746
"Are you going to honk at it, go around?
What's going to happen?"

807
00:45:15,846 --> 00:45:19,283
"We cannot...
We cannot honk at the cow.

808
00:45:19,383 --> 00:45:21,688
"We must wait for the cow to move."

809
00:45:22,086 --> 00:45:23,488
"You're kidding."

810
00:45:23,588 --> 00:45:26,132
"I am not kidding.
We must wait for the cow,"

811
00:45:27,592 --> 00:45:31,638
"We drove past a dead
body 15 minutes ago."

812
00:45:32,730 --> 00:45:34,632
"That is probably him."

813
00:45:45,443 --> 00:45:47,612
Like, seriously, the driving
situation over there

814
00:45:47,712 --> 00:45:49,814
is so intense, you guys.

815
00:45:49,914 --> 00:45:51,949
One morning, one morning
while we're there,

816
00:45:52,049 --> 00:45:55,019
I needed to get to the airport fast,
because I overslept,

817
00:45:55,119 --> 00:45:56,454
and so I get in the cab,

818
00:45:56,554 --> 00:45:58,856
and I hand the driver a $50 bill,

819
00:45:58,956 --> 00:46:01,259
and I go, "Sir,
I am running very late.

820
00:46:01,359 --> 00:46:03,828
"I need to get to the
airport as soon as possible.

821
00:46:03,928 --> 00:46:05,630
"Whatever side street
you have to take

822
00:46:05,730 --> 00:46:07,298
"or back road, I'm all for it.

823
00:46:07,398 --> 00:46:10,168
"Whatever you have
to do, let's do it."

824
00:46:10,268 --> 00:46:11,435
And I hand him the money,
and he goes,

825
00:46:11,535 --> 00:46:13,671
"Very good. Let'sgo,"
and we take off.

826
00:46:15,039 --> 00:46:16,774
The guy is hitting anywhere from

827
00:46:16,874 --> 00:46:19,680
50 to 70 miles an hour on the street.

828
00:46:19,810 --> 00:46:22,422
We are making incredible time.

829
00:46:24,882 --> 00:46:28,791
I notice that we're heading in
the direction of a red light.

830
00:46:30,087 --> 00:46:33,097
Have you ever been
in a car with someone,

831
00:46:33,291 --> 00:46:35,726
and you're paying attention
to what's going on,

832
00:46:35,826 --> 00:46:38,629
and you notice that you're
about to hit a red light?

833
00:46:38,729 --> 00:46:41,065
And you know how you start
to mentally and physically

834
00:46:41,165 --> 00:46:45,303
prepare yourself for the
deceleration of the car

835
00:46:45,403 --> 00:46:48,472
and you start anticipating
the pressure from the brake?

836
00:46:48,572 --> 00:46:50,007
And if you don't get the sensation

837
00:46:50,107 --> 00:46:52,310
of slowing down by a certain point,

838
00:46:52,410 --> 00:46:54,145
all alarms go off in your head,

839
00:46:54,245 --> 00:46:56,147
and you sock the driver in the chest.

840
00:46:56,247 --> 00:46:57,619
"Hey!"

841
00:46:59,250 --> 00:47:01,519
Not only did I not get the sensation

842
00:47:01,619 --> 00:47:04,155
of slowing down, I got the opposite.

843
00:47:04,255 --> 00:47:06,824
He gunned it towards the light,

844
00:47:06,924 --> 00:47:08,092
and it caught me off-guard.

845
00:47:08,192 --> 00:47:10,328
I couldn't even scream. I was like...

846
00:47:12,630 --> 00:47:15,566
And then... And then I got air.

847
00:47:15,666 --> 00:47:18,642
"Hey! Pull over! Pull over!"

848
00:47:20,103 --> 00:47:22,840
He didn't even know what he did.

849
00:47:22,940 --> 00:47:24,075
He looks at me. He goes,

850
00:47:24,175 --> 00:47:28,379
- "What is wrong?"
- "What do you mean, 'What is wrong?'

851
00:47:28,479 --> 00:47:30,681
"Dude, didn't you see the red light?"

852
00:47:30,781 --> 00:47:32,416
As calm as can be,

853
00:47:32,516 --> 00:47:35,492
"Didn't you see there
was no one there?

854
00:47:38,956 --> 00:47:41,892
"You told me, 'Whatever
you have to do,' okay?

855
00:47:41,992 --> 00:47:45,002
"Whatever you have to do, you do.'

856
00:47:46,063 --> 00:47:49,437
"Do you want to yell,
or do you want to make plane?"

857
00:47:49,700 --> 00:47:51,769
He made a good point.
I sounded like a third-grader.

858
00:47:51,869 --> 00:47:54,015
"I want to make plane."

859
00:47:54,839 --> 00:47:57,308
Like, seriously, that's a
video game I want to see.

860
00:47:57,408 --> 00:47:59,910
I want to see Grand Theft Auto India.

861
00:48:01,800 --> 00:48:05,060
It was so crazy, you guys.
And this is just us being there.

862
00:48:05,160 --> 00:48:08,180
I haven't even gotten to
the part of us performing.

863
00:48:08,280 --> 00:48:11,660
We were in Mumbai,
Bangalore and Delhi, okay?

864
00:48:11,760 --> 00:48:13,849
These three places is
where we went to perform.

865
00:48:14,000 --> 00:48:17,220
Mumbai and Bangalore, the shows
went over very, very well.

866
00:48:17,320 --> 00:48:20,180
Okay, there were about 1,500 to
2,000 people, which is amazing.

867
00:48:20,280 --> 00:48:22,620
Going over there,
I was, like, excited, "Yes!"

868
00:48:22,720 --> 00:48:24,140
And then we get to Delhi.

869
00:48:24,240 --> 00:48:27,740
And when we got to Delhi,
you guys, it got a little crazy.

870
00:48:27,840 --> 00:48:31,460
Martin walks out on stage,
and the crowd recognized him

871
00:48:31,560 --> 00:48:35,860
and they started chanting, "Martin!"

872
00:48:35,960 --> 00:48:38,180
Any time I hear that, I'm like,

873
00:48:38,280 --> 00:48:40,801
"They know him,
it's gonna be a good show."

874
00:48:41,560 --> 00:48:45,060
So, Martin starts cracking jokes.
The crowd starts laughing.

875
00:48:45,160 --> 00:48:47,900
He's cracking more jokes,
the crowd keeps laughing.

876
00:48:48,000 --> 00:48:49,940
All of a sudden, I hear this...

877
00:48:56,640 --> 00:48:58,683
Martin doesn't say a word to them.

878
00:48:58,800 --> 00:49:01,140
He gets off stage,
next comedian comes out,

879
00:49:01,240 --> 00:49:03,180
and then Martin comes
over to me and he says,

880
00:49:03,280 --> 00:49:05,140
"Bro, I don't know
what's going on, man.

881
00:49:05,240 --> 00:49:06,660
"I don't know what's
going on out there.

882
00:49:06,760 --> 00:49:08,460
"There's these three
guys in the front row,

883
00:49:08,560 --> 00:49:11,240
"they're laughing like
Klingons from Star Trek.

884
00:49:12,720 --> 00:49:16,402
"I'm not gonna address them.
I'm gonna save them for you."

885
00:49:16,880 --> 00:49:18,923
I was like, "Oh, thank you."

886
00:49:19,720 --> 00:49:23,300
So then, Martin goes back out there
onstage and he introduces me,

887
00:49:23,400 --> 00:49:25,660
"Ladies and gentlemen,
Gabriel Iglesias!"

888
00:49:25,760 --> 00:49:29,100
And then I run out onstage and
the crowd started chanting,

889
00:49:29,200 --> 00:49:31,180
"Fluffy! Fluffy!"

890
00:49:31,280 --> 00:49:33,260
And I was like, "Whoo!
What's up, Delhi!"

891
00:49:35,400 --> 00:49:38,100
And I start cracking jokes,
start getting laughs.

892
00:49:38,200 --> 00:49:40,880
Start cracking more jokes,
start getting more laughs.

893
00:49:41,520 --> 00:49:43,285
And then it happened.

894
00:49:47,400 --> 00:49:50,420
Now, see, me, I can't avoid things,

895
00:49:50,520 --> 00:49:53,769
especially when it's
front row center.

896
00:49:54,000 --> 00:49:57,761
So, I addressed it. I came right
out and I said, "Well, hello!"

897
00:49:58,720 --> 00:50:02,300
I said, "What do we have here?"
I said, "So, where are you guys from?"

898
00:50:02,400 --> 00:50:04,660
And the guy in the middle
looks at me and he goes,

899
00:50:04,760 --> 00:50:06,580
"We are from Germany!"

900
00:50:06,680 --> 00:50:09,900
I said, "Cool! We have
Germans in the house!"

901
00:50:10,000 --> 00:50:12,940
And the whole crowd got
really weird. You could hear them.

902
00:50:16,360 --> 00:50:18,300
They freaked out because they thought

903
00:50:18,400 --> 00:50:21,300
I was gonna start making
fun of the German people.

904
00:50:21,400 --> 00:50:22,820
And one guy even stood up.

905
00:50:22,920 --> 00:50:26,620
"Don't do it!
Don't do it! Don't do it!"

906
00:50:26,720 --> 00:50:29,651
I go, "Relax, bro!
Have a seat." "Don't do it!"

907
00:50:29,880 --> 00:50:32,020
I'm not gonna make fun
of the German people.

908
00:50:32,120 --> 00:50:34,420
That's the last thing I
wanna do, is offend them.

909
00:50:34,520 --> 00:50:38,500
I don't wanna end up outside in an
alley somewhere freakin' in two hours.

910
00:50:38,600 --> 00:50:41,860
"Und this is the last time
we are going to tell you!

911
00:50:41,960 --> 00:50:44,606
"Do not make fun of German people!"

912
00:50:45,680 --> 00:50:48,860
As I'm doing this joke about a German

913
00:50:48,960 --> 00:50:51,481
kicking me on the floor
with the accent,

914
00:50:51,800 --> 00:50:53,650
here's where it gets crazy.

915
00:50:53,880 --> 00:50:58,449
I get hit in the side
of the head by a bat.

916
00:50:59,680 --> 00:51:01,060
Listen to what I just
told you, Bay Area.

917
00:51:01,160 --> 00:51:03,860
I get hit in the side
of the head by a bat.

918
00:51:03,960 --> 00:51:05,540
Not Major League Baseball,

919
00:51:05,640 --> 00:51:08,161
I'm talking about,
"I wanna suck your blood."

920
00:51:11,640 --> 00:51:17,260
In India, there are millions and
millions and millions of fruit bats.

921
00:51:17,360 --> 00:51:20,660
And one of them, actually six of them,
made it inside of the building,

922
00:51:20,760 --> 00:51:22,860
and they're flying around and
they're hanging out in the rafters

923
00:51:22,960 --> 00:51:25,060
and one of them decides to fly down,

924
00:51:25,160 --> 00:51:27,740
and basically, when I
was doing the kicks,

925
00:51:27,840 --> 00:51:31,726
I stepped into the line of flight of
the bat and he caught me right here.

926
00:51:32,280 --> 00:51:33,540
I'm like, "What the hell?"
And I look up

927
00:51:33,640 --> 00:51:35,100
and you see it and you can hear it.

928
00:51:39,040 --> 00:51:42,260
The Indian people saw that
and they freaked out.

929
00:51:42,360 --> 00:51:46,260
They were yelling,
"They did it! They did it!

930
00:51:46,360 --> 00:51:48,940
"We told you, don't do it!
They told you, don't do it!

931
00:51:49,040 --> 00:51:51,260
"They are evil!
They are evil!" I'm like,

932
00:51:51,360 --> 00:51:54,220
"Dude, I don't care how evil
you think the Germans are,

933
00:51:54,320 --> 00:51:56,682
"they don't have control over bats!"

934
00:51:56,960 --> 00:51:58,940
It wasn't like the guy
got offended and said,

935
00:51:59,040 --> 00:52:02,722
"Oh, really? Und release the bat!"

936
00:52:06,160 --> 00:52:08,720
So now, the crowd is weird.

937
00:52:09,320 --> 00:52:11,100
These guys are laughing...

938
00:52:12,200 --> 00:52:14,767
And there's freakin' bats
flying around the theater.

939
00:52:15,200 --> 00:52:18,210
First two minutes of my show.

940
00:52:18,400 --> 00:52:20,260
I gotta do an hour.

941
00:52:20,360 --> 00:52:22,940
And now, I've already lost the crowd.
They're freaking out.

942
00:52:23,040 --> 00:52:26,500
These guys are laughing weird.
I'm nervous. It's my first time there.

943
00:52:26,600 --> 00:52:28,500
I don't know how to get out of this.

944
00:52:28,600 --> 00:52:32,020
So I literally walked over to
the other side of the stage

945
00:52:32,120 --> 00:52:35,164
and I started just performing
for this side of the room.

946
00:52:35,440 --> 00:52:38,140
Trying to redirect the
focus right here.

947
00:52:38,240 --> 00:52:42,168
And I'm so nervous, I'm stuttering.
I don't even have a segue. I'm like,

948
00:52:42,360 --> 00:52:45,540
"You know what's crazy? In America...

949
00:52:45,640 --> 00:52:48,180
"Everybody in America likes drinking,
you know, it's real crazy.

950
00:52:48,280 --> 00:52:52,724
"Like, for example, Mexicans.
Most Mexicans like drinking tequila. Um...

951
00:52:53,120 --> 00:52:57,881
"Most black people like Hennessy.
Most white people like Jäger.

952
00:52:58,240 --> 00:53:01,125
"Here in India, you guys like Fanta."

953
00:53:02,040 --> 00:53:05,860
And when I said Fanta,
the crowd went crazy,

954
00:53:05,960 --> 00:53:09,060
because it was such a
local reference, they freaked out.

955
00:53:09,160 --> 00:53:12,060
They were, like, screaming,
"Oh, my God! He knows! He knows!"

956
00:53:12,160 --> 00:53:13,620
They started singing.

957
00:53:13,720 --> 00:53:16,220
"Fanta, Fanta! Don't you
want a Fanta, Fanta!

958
00:53:16,320 --> 00:53:18,204
"Don't you want a Fanta, Fanta!"

959
00:53:21,080 --> 00:53:25,140
The roar was so big, it allowed
me to restart my show.

960
00:53:25,240 --> 00:53:28,780
So I started cracking new jokes and more
jokes and these jokes and those jokes.

961
00:53:28,880 --> 00:53:32,340
Five minutes go by.
Five minutes go by.

962
00:53:32,440 --> 00:53:35,460
All of a sudden,
the Germans got offended

963
00:53:35,560 --> 00:53:39,303
at the fact that I left them
out of my drinking joke.

964
00:53:40,480 --> 00:53:43,700
The one in the middle stands up
and he approaches the stage.

965
00:53:43,800 --> 00:53:45,700
Now, this stage has
gotta be about 5 feet tall.

966
00:53:45,800 --> 00:53:48,765
The guy's head was about
this high. He was like 6'4".

967
00:53:49,560 --> 00:53:52,380
He looks at me and he starts
pointing, and he's yelling,

968
00:53:52,480 --> 00:53:55,420
"Hey, fat man! Fat man!

969
00:53:55,520 --> 00:53:58,220
"What about us, huh?
What about the Germans?

970
00:53:58,320 --> 00:54:02,041
"What do we drink?" I was like, "Dude,
that was like five minutes ago!"

971
00:54:02,920 --> 00:54:05,220
"We were giving you a chance!
What do we drink?"

972
00:54:05,320 --> 00:54:08,300
I'm like, "First of all, sir, I apologize.
I'm really nervous right now.

973
00:54:08,400 --> 00:54:12,525
"Um, I had no idea there was
gonna be Germans here tonight."

974
00:54:13,960 --> 00:54:15,491
I felt like Poland.

975
00:54:18,760 --> 00:54:21,884
I don't care if you laugh or not,
that's a smart-ass joke.

976
00:54:22,520 --> 00:54:24,100
That's a smart-ass joke.

977
00:54:24,200 --> 00:54:26,880
It's not my fault some of
you pendejos failed history.

978
00:54:27,920 --> 00:54:30,930
You'd better Google that and
find out why it's so damn funny.

979
00:54:33,520 --> 00:54:35,961
All the older white people are,
"God damn it, yeah."

980
00:54:37,200 --> 00:54:39,420
So anyway, so I'm standing and I go,

981
00:54:39,520 --> 00:54:42,180
"Listen, sir, you need to have a seat,
okay? The people are getting nervous.

982
00:54:42,280 --> 00:54:45,140
"You need to have a seat so I can finish
the show." And the guy, he refuses.

983
00:54:45,240 --> 00:54:48,020
"I will not sit down, fat man,
until you tell us what we drink."

984
00:54:48,120 --> 00:54:50,100
I go, "Listen, I don't
know what you guys drink."

985
00:54:50,200 --> 00:54:53,740
And the Indians are being so cute.
They're trying to help me.

986
00:54:53,840 --> 00:54:57,169
They're yelling,
"Hey! They like Fanta, too!"

987
00:54:58,520 --> 00:55:02,060
And the guy was like, "We do not
like Fanta!" I'm like, "Dude!"

988
00:55:02,160 --> 00:55:04,700
I go, "Sir, please have a..."
"I will not have a seat until you tell us

989
00:55:04,800 --> 00:55:08,340
"what we drink! Tell us, fat man!"
I go, "Listen, sir, you need to sit down

990
00:55:08,440 --> 00:55:10,260
and you need to stop
calling me 'fat man.'".

991
00:55:10,360 --> 00:55:13,020
Now it's starting to bother me.
It's like the sixth time he does it,

992
00:55:13,120 --> 00:55:17,206
and I didn't just lose 100 pounds
to now get called "fat man."

993
00:55:18,560 --> 00:55:20,180
So I go, "Sir, if you
don't have a seat,

994
00:55:20,280 --> 00:55:23,580
"we're gonna have a problem,
especially if you call me 'fat man' again.

995
00:55:23,680 --> 00:55:25,300
And he freakin' did it.

996
00:55:25,400 --> 00:55:29,122
"What are you gonna do, fat man?
What do we drink?"

997
00:55:29,760 --> 00:55:31,980
Even Martin, who's
behind the curtain, knew.

998
00:55:32,080 --> 00:55:34,340
He knows when I'm at that point
where I've crossed over.

999
00:55:34,440 --> 00:55:36,961
I can hear him in the back.
"Don't do it!"

1000
00:55:38,160 --> 00:55:39,580
Too late, Fluffy's pissed.

1001
00:55:39,680 --> 00:55:41,780
So, I said, "You wanna
know what you drink?"

1002
00:55:41,880 --> 00:55:44,580
"Tell me!" Don't ask me
where this came from.

1003
00:55:44,680 --> 00:55:47,850
I got right in his face and
I said, "Blood of Jews!"

1004
00:55:59,960 --> 00:56:03,881
Now, see, automatically you guys
gave me a whole different reaction.

1005
00:56:06,120 --> 00:56:08,860
In Delhi that was probably the most

1006
00:56:08,960 --> 00:56:12,004
shocking thing ever
said on that stage.

1007
00:56:12,440 --> 00:56:16,940
So shocking that 2,000 people
at the exact same time

1008
00:56:17,040 --> 00:56:19,140
got so quiet, you guys, so quiet,

1009
00:56:19,240 --> 00:56:21,647
you could hear everyone's ass just...

1010
00:56:27,720 --> 00:56:29,700
And I'm still standing there,
and my hand's out.

1011
00:56:29,800 --> 00:56:33,260
Have you ever said
something that was so bad,

1012
00:56:33,360 --> 00:56:37,180
And I mean you knew it was bad as
it was coming out of your mouth?

1013
00:56:37,280 --> 00:56:39,380
And you're trying to
stop it but it's too late,

1014
00:56:39,480 --> 00:56:41,842
it's already out,
and you're like, "No!"

1015
00:56:43,360 --> 00:56:46,420
And it's too late. "Blood of Jews"
is all over his face, right?

1016
00:56:46,520 --> 00:56:49,540
I'm standing there and my hand's out,
I'm looking at him, he's looking at me,

1017
00:56:49,640 --> 00:56:50,660
and I'm like...

1018
00:56:51,160 --> 00:56:54,100
He says, "That's a good one!
Ja, that's a good one!"

1019
00:56:54,200 --> 00:56:56,528
"Oh, my God, thank you! Thank you!"

1020
00:57:00,080 --> 00:57:02,726
It doesn't end there.

1021
00:57:03,480 --> 00:57:05,180
I'm telling you guys,
this is so crazy.

1022
00:57:05,280 --> 00:57:07,100
So, next morning,
Martin and I are flying

1023
00:57:07,200 --> 00:57:09,620
back home to Los Angeles from Delhi.

1024
00:57:09,720 --> 00:57:11,900
We're taking an airline
called British Airways.

1025
00:57:12,000 --> 00:57:14,260
We go from Delhi to London, England,

1026
00:57:14,360 --> 00:57:16,420
and we have a connecting
flight over there.

1027
00:57:16,520 --> 00:57:20,580
Once we get to England, they canceled
our connect for whatever reason.

1028
00:57:20,680 --> 00:57:26,569
And so we got rebooked on
another airline called Lufthansa.

1029
00:57:27,680 --> 00:57:30,042
It's a German airline.

1030
00:57:30,800 --> 00:57:33,207
Now, this is why I believe in karma.

1031
00:57:33,560 --> 00:57:37,370
Seriously, Martin's like, "Really,
'blood of Jews'?" I'm like, "I know!"

1032
00:57:38,440 --> 00:57:41,804
I felt like they phoned ahead.
"Und take care of Fluffy."

1033
00:57:44,560 --> 00:57:46,780
So I put down my credit card,

1034
00:57:46,880 --> 00:57:49,940
I made sure that Martin and I got
upgraded to at least their business class,

1035
00:57:50,040 --> 00:57:51,300
'cause it's like a long flight,

1036
00:57:51,400 --> 00:57:54,940
and so we're in there, we're on
the plane and the plane takes off.

1037
00:57:56,800 --> 00:57:59,620
About 20 minutes into the flight,
we're just sitting there, we're laughing,

1038
00:57:59,720 --> 00:58:03,100
and the flight attendant, she starts coming
down the aisle with the little cart.

1039
00:58:03,200 --> 00:58:06,060
And she's coming down the aisle
and she sees me, and she goes,

1040
00:58:06,160 --> 00:58:10,081
"Hello, sir. Do you have a
preferred drink of choice today?"

1041
00:58:11,000 --> 00:58:13,980
Martin looks at me, taps me
in the chest, and he goes,

1042
00:58:14,080 --> 00:58:16,150
"Hey! Tell her!

1043
00:58:19,920 --> 00:58:24,445
"Tell her, bro! "Come on, ask for it.
If anybody has it..."

1044
00:58:25,400 --> 00:58:28,020
"Dude, shut up!"
And then she looks at Martin.

1045
00:58:28,120 --> 00:58:30,420
"Sir, do you have a
preferred drink of choice?"

1046
00:58:30,520 --> 00:58:33,769
And Martin's like, "Yeah,
do you guys got blood of..."

1047
00:58:35,280 --> 00:58:39,220
She's like, "Bloody Mary?"
"Yes. Yes, Bloody Mary."

1048
00:58:39,320 --> 00:58:42,171
Freakin' "Machete's" gonna
get me banned from flying.

1049
00:58:43,760 --> 00:58:45,260
So we make it back home.

1050
00:58:45,360 --> 00:58:47,740
I'm trying to tell the story
to my girlfriend and my son,

1051
00:58:47,840 --> 00:58:50,660
and my girl, she's barely laughing.
She's like...

1052
00:58:51,160 --> 00:58:53,840
Like, she's jaded. She doesn't
laugh at my jokes anymore.

1053
00:58:54,600 --> 00:58:57,980
My son Frankie, on the
other hand, he is dying.

1054
00:58:59,800 --> 00:59:01,580
And I'm like, "Really?"
He's 16 years old.

1055
00:59:01,680 --> 00:59:03,060
I go, "Really, Frankie,
you thought that was funny?"

1056
00:59:03,160 --> 00:59:06,500
He goes, "Yeah. That's funny!" I go,
"What was so funny about my story?"

1057
00:59:06,600 --> 00:59:08,484
He goes, "Those people
you're talking about."

1058
00:59:08,640 --> 00:59:11,620
I go, "Who, the Indians?"
He goes, "No, the other ones."

1059
00:59:11,720 --> 00:59:13,780
I go, "The Germans?"
He goes, "Yeah, it's funny."

1060
00:59:13,880 --> 00:59:15,940
I go, "What's so funny
about the Germans?"

1061
00:59:16,040 --> 00:59:17,540
"The way that they speak."

1062
00:59:17,640 --> 00:59:19,620
I go, "What's so funny about
the way that they speak?"

1063
00:59:19,720 --> 00:59:22,844
He goes, "They sound like the Three
Little Pigs from the movie Shrek!"

1064
00:59:27,200 --> 00:59:29,300
I had to go on YouTube
and freakin' find it,

1065
00:59:29,400 --> 00:59:33,242
and sure enough, all Three Little Pigs,
"Und ja! Hello, Shrek!"

1066
00:59:33,480 --> 00:59:36,445
I was just waiting for one
of them to go, "Fat man!"

1067
00:59:43,608 --> 00:59:46,010
By the way, since my last special,

1068
00:59:46,110 --> 00:59:49,382
I gotta tell you something
about my son Frankie.

1069
00:59:49,614 --> 00:59:54,320
He now, now, wears deodorant.

1070
01:00:02,860 --> 01:00:05,096
Now for the rest of you
that are watching right now,

1071
01:00:05,196 --> 01:00:07,198
wondering, "What is
he talking about?"

1072
01:00:07,298 --> 01:00:08,766
And the people watching
the movie, going,

1073
01:00:08,866 --> 01:00:10,868
"I don't get this," let me explain.

1074
01:00:10,968 --> 01:00:13,972
In my last special, I made
reference to my son Frankie

1075
01:00:14,072 --> 01:00:17,909
and how he refuses to
regularly put deodorant on.

1076
01:00:18,009 --> 01:00:20,044
And so I told him,
"If you don't start doing it,

1077
01:00:20,144 --> 01:00:22,213
"I'm going put your business on TV,

1078
01:00:22,313 --> 01:00:24,215
"and your friends are going
to see me talking about you,

1079
01:00:24,315 --> 01:00:26,384
"and they're going to
check you for me."

1080
01:00:26,484 --> 01:00:28,953
Sure enough, my last special airs.

1081
01:00:29,053 --> 01:00:31,055
The next day, Frankie goes to school,

1082
01:00:31,155 --> 01:00:33,699
and those kids were merciless.

1083
01:00:34,392 --> 01:00:36,928
He came home.
He takes off his backpack.

1084
01:00:37,028 --> 01:00:38,930
He unzips it, and he dumps out,

1085
01:00:39,030 --> 01:00:41,065
like, 17 deodorants.

1086
01:00:41,165 --> 01:00:43,276
"See what you did!"

1087
01:00:44,669 --> 01:00:48,442
I was like, "Wow, look at all
the money we just saved."

1088
01:00:50,007 --> 01:00:51,743
His mom was impressed.

1089
01:00:51,843 --> 01:00:55,047
She was like, "Talk about
how he needs towels."

1090
01:00:56,114 --> 01:00:58,954
Hell, yeah. He's going to get towels.

1091
01:01:00,451 --> 01:01:01,753
And it's funny, because,

1092
01:01:01,853 --> 01:01:03,688
you know, for me to relate to my son,

1093
01:01:03,788 --> 01:01:05,757
it's a little challenging, you guys.

1094
01:01:05,857 --> 01:01:08,426
It's not that I can't relate
to a teenager, because I can.

1095
01:01:08,526 --> 01:01:09,961
I can relate to almost any age.

1096
01:01:10,061 --> 01:01:11,963
You know, I got people that
brought kids here tonight.

1097
01:01:12,063 --> 01:01:16,200
The problem is, is that my son
doesn't see me as an entertainer.

1098
01:01:16,300 --> 01:01:18,603
He sees me as the guy that
tells him to take a shower,

1099
01:01:18,703 --> 01:01:21,939
put on deodorant, you know,
"Stop picking your nose," That's me.

1100
01:01:22,039 --> 01:01:24,142
His friends, on the other hand,

1101
01:01:24,242 --> 01:01:26,544
I'm like a god to his friends.

1102
01:01:26,644 --> 01:01:29,714
Every time I drop off Frankie at
school now, I pull up, you know.

1103
01:01:31,549 --> 01:01:33,217
The kids see my car.

1104
01:01:33,317 --> 01:01:35,520
They freak out,
and they run over to it,

1105
01:01:35,620 --> 01:01:38,690
and they put their hands
on it like it's a shrine.

1106
01:01:38,790 --> 01:01:40,191
They touch the car like freaking,

1107
01:01:40,291 --> 01:01:42,300
"Selena está aquí," you know?

1108
01:01:43,461 --> 01:01:44,629
Some of you got that. Gracias.

1109
01:01:44,729 --> 01:01:46,203
Anyway...

1110
01:01:47,331 --> 01:01:51,903
Then the kids start shaking
my car side to side, chanting,

1111
01:01:52,003 --> 01:01:55,006
"Fluffy. Fluffy. Fluffy."

1112
01:01:55,106 --> 01:01:58,476
And Frankie's in the front
seat pissed. He's pissed.

1113
01:01:58,576 --> 01:02:01,120
He's like, "This is bullshit."

1114
01:02:02,280 --> 01:02:03,981
I'm like, "Hey, dude,
don't get mad at me,

1115
01:02:04,081 --> 01:02:08,258
"cause I'm more popular than you
at your school." Little hater.

1116
01:02:09,453 --> 01:02:11,556
He gets out of the car all mad.

1117
01:02:13,090 --> 01:02:16,328
They're still chanting.
"Fluffy, Fluffy."

1118
01:02:17,862 --> 01:02:20,231
The thing is, is that our
worlds are very different.

1119
01:02:20,331 --> 01:02:22,100
His world revolves around

1120
01:02:22,200 --> 01:02:24,073
Grand Theft Auto, the video game,

1121
01:02:24,869 --> 01:02:27,140
YouTube and girls.

1122
01:02:27,305 --> 01:02:29,644
He's really good at two of those.

1123
01:02:30,775 --> 01:02:33,148
The other one, not so much.

1124
01:02:33,611 --> 01:02:35,379
And it's not that I'm trying
to be a hater about it.

1125
01:02:35,479 --> 01:02:36,748
It's just that I tell Frankie,

1126
01:02:36,848 --> 01:02:39,851
"Listen, you need to start
having more conversations.

1127
01:02:39,951 --> 01:02:42,687
"You need to become more
talkative and interact like this."

1128
01:02:42,787 --> 01:02:45,356
See, he'd rather text than talk.

1129
01:02:45,456 --> 01:02:46,424
That's his whole thing. I'm like,

1130
01:02:46,524 --> 01:02:48,092
"Dude, you got to learn,
you know, start...

1131
01:02:48,192 --> 01:02:50,461
"Talk to me! I wish you
would talk to me more.

1132
01:02:50,561 --> 01:02:52,597
"You could learn a lot about
talking by talking to me.

1133
01:02:52,697 --> 01:02:56,037
"I'm just saying, I only
do it professionally."

1134
01:02:56,734 --> 01:02:58,369
But, no, he'd rather text.

1135
01:02:58,469 --> 01:03:01,038
It's at the point now where
if I'm in the house and I yell,

1136
01:03:01,138 --> 01:03:04,542
"Frankie, did you
take out the trash?"

1137
01:03:04,642 --> 01:03:06,711
Nothing. All of a sudden...

1138
01:03:08,379 --> 01:03:09,580
I take out my phone.

1139
01:03:09,680 --> 01:03:11,086
"No."

1140
01:03:12,216 --> 01:03:14,218
But if I say, "I got money for you,"

1141
01:03:14,318 --> 01:03:17,089
freaking Houdini, right? "Oh, hello."

1142
01:03:17,922 --> 01:03:20,033
'Cause you can't text cash.

1143
01:03:21,392 --> 01:03:23,928
That's my big thing right now.
I just want him to take out the trash.

1144
01:03:24,028 --> 01:03:25,229
He's 16 years old now.

1145
01:03:25,329 --> 01:03:26,464
He should have been doing
this since he was 10,

1146
01:03:26,564 --> 01:03:28,132
but, you know,
better late than never.

1147
01:03:28,232 --> 01:03:30,568
And what he does is he'll
sit in the living room,

1148
01:03:30,668 --> 01:03:33,137
and he tunes out the
rest of the house.

1149
01:03:33,237 --> 01:03:35,406
He sits there, and he'll
put on these headphones

1150
01:03:35,506 --> 01:03:37,642
that I got him for Christmas
a couple of years ago,

1151
01:03:37,742 --> 01:03:39,911
these Beats with the
freaking studio button,

1152
01:03:40,011 --> 01:03:42,580
and it cuts out all of the sound.

1153
01:03:42,680 --> 01:03:44,081
They are so strong

1154
01:03:44,181 --> 01:03:46,584
that when he starts watching
his YouTube videos,

1155
01:03:46,684 --> 01:03:49,120
he can't hear himself laugh.

1156
01:03:49,220 --> 01:03:52,290
And for me, that is the
funniest thing in the world.

1157
01:03:52,390 --> 01:03:54,492
I'm in the other room,
and I can hear him.

1158
01:03:54,592 --> 01:03:56,427
This is what I hear...

1159
01:04:09,140 --> 01:04:12,810
I'm in the other room, like,
"Who brought the Germans?"

1160
01:04:16,047 --> 01:04:18,282
And so I walk out into the
living room, and I see Frankie,

1161
01:04:18,382 --> 01:04:19,784
and he's laughing at his phone,

1162
01:04:19,884 --> 01:04:21,686
and I got to flag him down.
"Hey, hey, hey."

1163
01:04:21,786 --> 01:04:24,121
And he'll take 'em off.
"What? What's up, Dad?"

1164
01:04:24,221 --> 01:04:26,557
I go, "Frankie,
can you do me a favor?

1165
01:04:26,657 --> 01:04:30,136
"Can you please take out the trash?"
"Okay." And then he puts 'em back on.

1166
01:04:34,065 --> 01:04:35,767
"What?

1167
01:04:36,133 --> 01:04:37,635
"Now?"

1168
01:04:37,735 --> 01:04:40,040
I go, "Yes, now.

1169
01:04:40,504 --> 01:04:42,573
"When you ask me for a ride,
it's because you need a ride

1170
01:04:42,673 --> 01:04:44,408
"when you ask for a ride, not later."

1171
01:04:44,508 --> 01:04:46,688
Then he says, "Where are we going?"

1172
01:04:48,079 --> 01:04:49,981
"Just take out the trash."

1173
01:04:50,081 --> 01:04:51,916
And then he does it.
He takes out the trash,

1174
01:04:52,016 --> 01:04:55,152
but he acts like he's doing me
the biggest favor in the world,

1175
01:04:55,252 --> 01:04:58,467
and he stares me down, and he doesn't
break eye contact, He's like...

1176
01:05:05,129 --> 01:05:08,003
And then he'll hold the bag over
the can, and he makes the sound...

1177
01:05:10,167 --> 01:05:12,142
I'm like, "Dude, so much drama."

1178
01:05:13,504 --> 01:05:16,073
It's crazy. I'd like to have
normal conversations with him,

1179
01:05:16,173 --> 01:05:18,743
but usually I gotta take it
that far for us to interact.

1180
01:05:18,843 --> 01:05:20,378
You know? I look forward
to conversations.

1181
01:05:20,478 --> 01:05:22,179
Even if it's something
small and minute,

1182
01:05:22,279 --> 01:05:26,050
at least it gives me a chance to
trigger another conversation with him.

1183
01:05:26,150 --> 01:05:27,752
I look forward to a few things.

1184
01:05:27,852 --> 01:05:29,020
I look forward to December,

1185
01:05:29,120 --> 01:05:31,389
because in December,
Frankie becomes very chatty.

1186
01:05:31,489 --> 01:05:33,591
Otherwise, he's "One-word Kid."

1187
01:05:33,691 --> 01:05:36,193
Parents, you know what I'm talking
about, kids, "One-word Kid"?

1188
01:05:36,293 --> 01:05:38,362
And you try to talk to 'em.
"Hey, how was your day?" "Good."

1189
01:05:38,462 --> 01:05:40,865
"You have any homework?" "Yeah."
"Are you going to do it?" "Maybe."

1190
01:05:40,965 --> 01:05:42,033
"You hungry?" "Mmm-hmm"

1191
01:05:42,133 --> 01:05:43,367
"What do you want?" "Food."

1192
01:05:48,172 --> 01:05:50,249
Usually that's what I get.

1193
01:05:50,374 --> 01:05:53,077
But December rolls around,
and guess what December is.

1194
01:05:53,177 --> 01:05:55,046
December's when he
becomes very chatty,

1195
01:05:55,146 --> 01:05:56,380
because he has an agenda.

1196
01:05:56,480 --> 01:05:58,716
All of a sudden, he goes from
"One-word Kid" to very, like,

1197
01:05:58,816 --> 01:06:00,785
"Hey, how's your week, Dad?
You doing good?

1198
01:06:00,885 --> 01:06:02,820
"Yeah, how are the shows going?
You doing all right?

1199
01:06:02,920 --> 01:06:04,455
"Do you need anything?
You need anything?"

1200
01:06:04,555 --> 01:06:07,201
I'm like, "I needed this in July.
Just saying."

1201
01:06:08,359 --> 01:06:11,095
And I know it's fake,
but at least, once again,

1202
01:06:11,195 --> 01:06:14,498
it allows me to put my real
conversation on top of his fake one.

1203
01:06:14,598 --> 01:06:16,641
And if that's what it takes,
then that's what it takes.

1204
01:06:17,001 --> 01:06:20,404
In addition to that,
I look forward to problems.

1205
01:06:20,504 --> 01:06:23,607
I like problems,
because if there's problems,

1206
01:06:23,707 --> 01:06:26,677
Frankie and I can work on it
together to find a solution, right?

1207
01:06:26,777 --> 01:06:29,548
And I see that as a
great form of bonding.

1208
01:06:29,914 --> 01:06:31,315
Now don't get me wrong, you guys.

1209
01:06:31,415 --> 01:06:33,561
Sometimes it's expensive.

1210
01:06:34,785 --> 01:06:37,659
Yeah, you're laughing.
Let me tell you.

1211
01:06:37,855 --> 01:06:40,191
Like, one time, they took
his iPhone from school,

1212
01:06:40,291 --> 01:06:42,426
and he comes home,
and he's all devastated, right?

1213
01:06:42,526 --> 01:06:44,762
He's like, "Dad, Dad,
I got to talk to you."

1214
01:06:44,862 --> 01:06:46,263
I'm like, "What? Tell me. What?"

1215
01:06:46,363 --> 01:06:47,665
"They stole my phone."

1216
01:06:47,765 --> 01:06:49,740
I'm like, "That's why
you're talking."

1217
01:06:51,202 --> 01:06:52,937
And I started laughing.
He goes, "It's not funny."

1218
01:06:53,037 --> 01:06:55,808
I go, "You have no
idea how funny it is."

1219
01:06:56,373 --> 01:06:57,808
I go, "So what happened, Frankie?

1220
01:06:57,908 --> 01:06:59,944
"So they broke into my locker at school,
and they took my iPhone,

1221
01:07:00,044 --> 01:07:00,978
"they took my friend's iPhone,

1222
01:07:01,078 --> 01:07:03,014
"and if we go to the school right now,
we can fill out a report.

1223
01:07:03,114 --> 01:07:05,049
"We know exactly who did it.
Can we go to the school right now?"

1224
01:07:05,149 --> 01:07:06,951
I go, "Listen, Frankie, I'd love to,

1225
01:07:07,051 --> 01:07:08,719
"but I'm really tired.
I just got off a flight

1226
01:07:08,819 --> 01:07:10,955
"and, you know,
I'm really, really tired.

1227
01:07:11,055 --> 01:07:12,523
"I promise you tomorrow morning,
I'll take you early.

1228
01:07:12,623 --> 01:07:14,625
"I'll help you fill out the
report and we'll turn it in."

1229
01:07:14,725 --> 01:07:18,839
"Could we go right now?" I go, "Frankie,
seriously. Just please, tomorrow."

1230
01:07:18,996 --> 01:07:20,898
"I need my phone."
I go, "Listen, Frankie,

1231
01:07:20,998 --> 01:07:22,967
"you can handle one day
without your phone."

1232
01:07:23,067 --> 01:07:25,903
He's not getting his way,
so he turns around,

1233
01:07:26,003 --> 01:07:28,506
and he yells at
the ground, and he goes,

1234
01:07:28,606 --> 01:07:30,342
"They took my phone!"

1235
01:07:31,675 --> 01:07:33,811
I looked at him. I say,
"Hey, you took my freedom.

1236
01:07:33,911 --> 01:07:35,556
"You don't hear me screaming."

1237
01:07:36,514 --> 01:07:38,315
"I just accept it and process it,

1238
01:07:38,415 --> 01:07:40,288
"and we move on. That's it."

1239
01:07:41,752 --> 01:07:44,188
So then he asks,
"What's going to happen?"

1240
01:07:44,288 --> 01:07:46,590
I go, "Well, I'm gonna go upstairs,
take a shower, and probably go to bed."

1241
01:07:46,690 --> 01:07:49,226
"No, what's gonna happen if
I don't get my phone back?"

1242
01:07:49,326 --> 01:07:51,362
I go, "That's a good question,
Frankie. I don't know."

1243
01:07:51,462 --> 01:07:53,397
"You're not going to
get me a new one?"

1244
01:07:53,497 --> 01:07:55,266
"No, dude. I already got you a phone.

1245
01:07:55,366 --> 01:07:58,102
"It was your responsibility
to take care of that phone."

1246
01:07:58,202 --> 01:08:01,105
"It's not fair." I go,
"Life's not fair, Frankie, okay?

1247
01:08:01,205 --> 01:08:02,339
"But things happen."

1248
01:08:02,439 --> 01:08:05,176
"You should get me a phone."
"Dude, seriously?"

1249
01:08:05,276 --> 01:08:08,179
And then he looks at me, and he says,
and this kind of messed with me.

1250
01:08:08,279 --> 01:08:10,014
He goes, "You should get me a phone.

1251
01:08:10,114 --> 01:08:12,590
"It's nothing for you
to get me a new phone."

1252
01:08:15,519 --> 01:08:19,758
"It's nothing for you
to get me a new phone."

1253
01:08:20,124 --> 01:08:24,128
Bay Area, my son thinks
that what I do is easy.

1254
01:08:24,228 --> 01:08:26,097
He thinks it's easy,
because all he sees

1255
01:08:26,197 --> 01:08:27,965
when he attends one
or two shows per year

1256
01:08:28,065 --> 01:08:31,268
is that I walk out onstage,
you guys start chanting,

1257
01:08:31,368 --> 01:08:34,048
and then cool shit magically
appears in his room.

1258
01:08:38,175 --> 01:08:40,711
He doesn't realize that
this is actually a job

1259
01:08:40,811 --> 01:08:42,546
and there's sacrifice
that comes along with it.

1260
01:08:42,646 --> 01:08:45,549
So I told him. I said, "Listen,
Frankie, how 'bout this?

1261
01:08:45,649 --> 01:08:50,488
"How 'bout you explain to me why
I should get you a new phone,

1262
01:08:50,588 --> 01:08:54,031
"and if it makes sense,
I'll do it right now. Go."

1263
01:08:54,325 --> 01:08:56,027
"I need one."

1264
01:08:56,894 --> 01:09:00,164
I said, "No, Frankie. You're a teenager.
You don't need a phone.

1265
01:09:00,264 --> 01:09:03,000
"A cell phone for a
teenager isn't a necessity.

1266
01:09:03,100 --> 01:09:05,469
"It's a luxury, okay?

1267
01:09:05,569 --> 01:09:09,615
"It's not a necessity,
it's a luxury."

1268
01:09:16,213 --> 01:09:19,083
He says, "What if
there's an emergency?"

1269
01:09:19,183 --> 01:09:22,086
I go, "Like what?
Someone taking your phone?

1270
01:09:22,186 --> 01:09:23,954
"What did you do today when
they took your phone?"

1271
01:09:24,054 --> 01:09:27,291
"I went to the...
I went to the cafeteria,

1272
01:09:27,391 --> 01:09:28,592
"and I talked to my friend Angel

1273
01:09:28,692 --> 01:09:30,628
"and he let me use his phone,
and I called my mom."

1274
01:09:30,728 --> 01:09:32,129
And I go, "And guess what?
If that doesn't work,

1275
01:09:32,229 --> 01:09:33,764
"you can go to the office
and let them know,

1276
01:09:33,864 --> 01:09:37,637
"'There's a family emergency,
please contact my mom or my dad.' Next."

1277
01:09:37,868 --> 01:09:39,470
"What if you need to
get a hold of me?"

1278
01:09:39,570 --> 01:09:42,114
"I know what school you go to."

1279
01:09:42,406 --> 01:09:44,041
"What about when I'm walking home?"

1280
01:09:44,141 --> 01:09:46,177
"I know the route that you take."

1281
01:09:46,277 --> 01:09:49,113
And then he pulled this one out,
one of the greatest lines ever.

1282
01:09:49,213 --> 01:09:52,860
"You know what?
You talk a lot about me on TV.

1283
01:09:53,150 --> 01:09:55,421
"People know who I am now.

1284
01:09:57,554 --> 01:09:59,927
"What if someone tries to kidnap me?"

1285
01:10:02,593 --> 01:10:05,433
I said, "You weigh 225. Good luck.

1286
01:10:07,931 --> 01:10:09,400
"They are not kidnapping your ass

1287
01:10:09,500 --> 01:10:11,168
"without an iPhone
and a box of Oreos.

1288
01:10:11,268 --> 01:10:14,338
"That's the only way
that's going to happen."

1289
01:10:14,438 --> 01:10:16,540
I said, "Frankie, do you
realize how lucky you are?

1290
01:10:16,640 --> 01:10:19,343
"You had a phone. I didn't
have a phone in school.

1291
01:10:19,443 --> 01:10:21,045
"Your mom didn't have
a phone in school.

1292
01:10:21,145 --> 01:10:22,513
"If we needed to make a phone call,

1293
01:10:22,613 --> 01:10:25,916
"we had to carry change,
or we had to call collect."

1294
01:10:26,016 --> 01:10:28,287
"What's that?" Oh, my God!

1295
01:10:29,086 --> 01:10:32,323
Trying to explain the concept
of a collect call to my kid

1296
01:10:32,423 --> 01:10:34,491
is like trying to
explain rocket science.

1297
01:10:34,591 --> 01:10:36,160
He'll never have to deal with it.

1298
01:10:36,260 --> 01:10:38,095
He'll never know what it's
like to be out late somewhere

1299
01:10:38,195 --> 01:10:39,396
and have to use a phone.

1300
01:10:39,496 --> 01:10:42,499
First of all, to find a pay phone.

1301
01:10:42,599 --> 01:10:44,735
If you see a pay phone now,
you look at it like,

1302
01:10:44,835 --> 01:10:47,004
"Oh, wow.
They forgot to take it down.

1303
01:10:47,104 --> 01:10:49,106
"Get your camera. Take a picture.

1304
01:10:49,206 --> 01:10:52,076
"Cause that shit's gone.
Take a picture."

1305
01:10:52,176 --> 01:10:54,011
He'll never know about
staying out late at night

1306
01:10:54,111 --> 01:10:55,879
and having to use one
of those nasty phones

1307
01:10:55,979 --> 01:10:57,214
and taking off that receiver.

1308
01:10:57,314 --> 01:10:58,849
You know, the nasty one that has gum

1309
01:10:58,949 --> 01:11:00,451
and gonorrhea all over it, right?

1310
01:11:00,551 --> 01:11:02,052
And you got to keep it
far away from your face,

1311
01:11:02,152 --> 01:11:03,554
so you don't get infected.

1312
01:11:03,654 --> 01:11:05,856
And then you make that phone call,
you know, that freaking...

1313
01:11:05,956 --> 01:11:07,958
When you make a collect
call back in the day?

1314
01:11:08,058 --> 01:11:10,694
It was expensive. He's not
going to have to do that now.

1315
01:11:10,794 --> 01:11:13,731
Back in the day, if you made a
collect call, it was a mission.

1316
01:11:13,831 --> 01:11:15,799
It was a mission,
and it was expensive.

1317
01:11:15,899 --> 01:11:17,568
If you called my mom collect,

1318
01:11:17,668 --> 01:11:19,438
it better have been life or death

1319
01:11:19,970 --> 01:11:22,013
or that's what it was going to be.

1320
01:11:22,539 --> 01:11:24,241
You call my mom back
in the day, shoot,

1321
01:11:24,341 --> 01:11:26,410
we were on welfare and Section 8.

1322
01:11:26,510 --> 01:11:28,245
Every penny counted.

1323
01:11:28,345 --> 01:11:29,546
You call her up.

1324
01:11:31,014 --> 01:11:32,116
"Hello."

1325
01:11:32,216 --> 01:11:33,817
And then she'd get the presentation.

1326
01:11:33,917 --> 01:11:35,460
"ATandT.

1327
01:11:35,919 --> 01:11:38,222
"Do you accept a collect call from...

1328
01:11:38,322 --> 01:11:41,558
"Caller, at the tone,
say only your name."

1329
01:11:41,658 --> 01:11:43,894
You had to get creative.

1330
01:11:43,994 --> 01:11:45,062
"Mom, it's me. Pick me
up at 7-Eleven at 6:00.

1331
01:11:45,162 --> 01:11:47,231
"Hurry up. I love you. Bye."

1332
01:11:47,331 --> 01:11:48,932
"Do you accept the charges?"

1333
01:11:49,032 --> 01:11:51,075
"Hell, no. I'm on my way, mijo."

1334
01:12:03,680 --> 01:12:06,583
And if you couldn't get
the whole message out,

1335
01:12:06,683 --> 01:12:09,753
you had to call back, do that
whole process all over again,

1336
01:12:09,853 --> 01:12:12,690
and then say another sentence
until they cut you off.

1337
01:12:12,790 --> 01:12:15,402
I told Frankie we call
that "ghetto texting."

1338
01:12:16,727 --> 01:12:19,196
'Cause he'll never have to do it.

1339
01:12:19,296 --> 01:12:22,533
The problem is, is that
my son is very spoiled,

1340
01:12:22,633 --> 01:12:25,969
and I realize that it's my fault.
It's 100% my fault.

1341
01:12:26,069 --> 01:12:27,204
When he first came into my life,

1342
01:12:27,304 --> 01:12:29,973
when he was seven years old,
he was very appreciative.

1343
01:12:30,073 --> 01:12:32,209
Everything was, "Thank you."
Everything was like, "Oh, my God.

1344
01:12:32,309 --> 01:12:33,777
"This is so cool. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you."

1345
01:12:33,877 --> 01:12:37,251
Big old hug. "Thank you.
I love you. Thank you."

1346
01:12:39,049 --> 01:12:41,952
And what I did was, is that
I started giving him stuff,

1347
01:12:42,052 --> 01:12:43,620
and I never expected anything for it,

1348
01:12:43,720 --> 01:12:45,956
and, you know, with me,
I was always like, you know,

1349
01:12:46,056 --> 01:12:48,892
I work really hard
to have nice things,

1350
01:12:48,992 --> 01:12:51,295
and is it a crime that I want
my family to have nice things?

1351
01:12:51,395 --> 01:12:52,896
I figure, you know what?
I went through a lot.

1352
01:12:52,996 --> 01:12:54,832
I just want my son to have the best.

1353
01:12:54,932 --> 01:12:56,567
But you can't always
give 'em everything,

1354
01:12:56,667 --> 01:12:59,636
because then they don't learn
to appreciate and value things,

1355
01:12:59,736 --> 01:13:02,439
and I had to find out the hard way.

1356
01:13:09,346 --> 01:13:11,315
It takes a lot for me to tell
you guys that, by the way,

1357
01:13:11,415 --> 01:13:13,384
that I freaking messed up.
My girl pointed it out.

1358
01:13:13,484 --> 01:13:15,419
She goes, "You're messing up."

1359
01:13:15,519 --> 01:13:17,154
I go, "What am I doing wrong?"

1360
01:13:17,254 --> 01:13:20,324
She goes, "You don't let him earn
anything. You don't let him try.

1361
01:13:20,424 --> 01:13:22,092
"You don't let him make an attempt

1362
01:13:22,192 --> 01:13:23,394
"to try to work toward something,

1363
01:13:23,494 --> 01:13:25,396
"so of course he doesn't
appreciate things."

1364
01:13:25,496 --> 01:13:29,644
And it was very evident last month,
you know, birthday time?

1365
01:13:30,767 --> 01:13:33,337
I bought him a pair of Jordans.

1366
01:13:33,437 --> 01:13:35,205
Not just a regular pair of Jordans.

1367
01:13:35,305 --> 01:13:38,509
They were a special collector's
edition pair of Jordans.

1368
01:13:38,609 --> 01:13:41,879
You know, the kind of Jordans where
people wait in line the night before

1369
01:13:41,979 --> 01:13:43,046
just so they can buy these shoes.

1370
01:13:43,146 --> 01:13:45,949
Except I didn't,
'cause I got the hookup!

1371
01:13:46,049 --> 01:13:47,660
Yeah.

1372
01:13:48,952 --> 01:13:52,389
They were really nice shoes,
$180 pair of shoes, and...

1373
01:13:52,489 --> 01:13:54,691
Yeah. Hey, lot of jokes. So...

1374
01:13:55,726 --> 01:13:56,860
I didn't even wrap 'em, okay?

1375
01:13:56,960 --> 01:14:00,030
I put 'em on the box, and I waited
for him to walk in the room.

1376
01:14:00,130 --> 01:14:01,632
And I'm standing there,
and he walks in.

1377
01:14:01,732 --> 01:14:04,735
I go, "Happy birthday,"
and he sees the shoes.

1378
01:14:04,835 --> 01:14:07,771
He looks at the shoes,
and all he says is,

1379
01:14:07,871 --> 01:14:10,541
"Cool." That's it. "Cool."

1380
01:14:10,641 --> 01:14:12,309
Sometimes I'll get lucky,
he'll say it twice.

1381
01:14:12,409 --> 01:14:14,020
"Cool, cool."

1382
01:14:14,645 --> 01:14:16,947
And then he walks around to see
what other presents there are,

1383
01:14:17,047 --> 01:14:19,550
and I told his mom,
"Did you see that? Did you see..."

1384
01:14:19,650 --> 01:14:22,753
"Don't get mad. I told you,
you don't let him earn anything.

1385
01:14:22,853 --> 01:14:25,863
"Now that's why he acts that way.
He expects things."

1386
01:14:26,390 --> 01:14:27,898
I'm like, "Oh."

1387
01:14:28,425 --> 01:14:30,627
And I want to get upset,
but she's absolutely right.

1388
01:14:30,727 --> 01:14:32,729
He's at the point now of spoiled

1389
01:14:32,829 --> 01:14:34,398
where he walks up to me, and he goes,

1390
01:14:34,498 --> 01:14:37,100
"Dad, I'm really bored
with my Nintendo Wii.

1391
01:14:37,200 --> 01:14:38,735
"Can I give it to my friend Angel?"

1392
01:14:38,835 --> 01:14:40,971
I go, "What did you just say?"

1393
01:14:41,071 --> 01:14:43,474
"I'm bored with my Nintendo Wii.
Can I give it away?"

1394
01:14:43,574 --> 01:14:44,741
I go, "Is it broken?"

1395
01:14:44,841 --> 01:14:46,276
"No."

1396
01:14:46,376 --> 01:14:49,246
"How long have you had it?"
"Ooh, like, four years."

1397
01:14:49,346 --> 01:14:51,648
I go, "How many games do you
have for the Nintendo Wii?"

1398
01:14:51,748 --> 01:14:53,016
"Like, 300."

1399
01:14:54,217 --> 01:14:56,158
I could feel you
judging me over there.

1400
01:14:57,187 --> 01:14:58,798
I felt that. "Oh!"

1401
01:14:59,523 --> 01:15:01,024
You're freaking...
You're judging me right now.

1402
01:15:01,124 --> 01:15:03,126
I can feel it.
She's over there, she's like,

1403
01:15:03,226 --> 01:15:05,829
"This is some Dr. Phil
shit right here.

1404
01:15:05,929 --> 01:15:07,130
"He really messed him up."

1405
01:15:07,230 --> 01:15:08,431
Yeah, I heard you.

1406
01:15:09,032 --> 01:15:11,435
Let me just for the record,
let me set this straight, okay?

1407
01:15:11,535 --> 01:15:14,972
I did not buy my son 300 games.

1408
01:15:15,072 --> 01:15:16,373
Here's what happened.

1409
01:15:16,473 --> 01:15:19,610
I have a friend who's
a computer hacker,

1410
01:15:19,710 --> 01:15:22,112
and for 75 bucks,

1411
01:15:22,212 --> 01:15:25,154
he put 300 games on
my son's hard drive.

1412
01:15:25,649 --> 01:15:28,552
Yes, I have money,
but I'm still ghetto.

1413
01:15:33,724 --> 01:15:34,959
Oh, yeah.

1414
01:15:35,826 --> 01:15:38,195
So I tell Frankie, "Do you
realize how lucky you are?"

1415
01:15:38,295 --> 01:15:40,297
And then he rolls his eyes.
"Oh, lucky."

1416
01:15:40,397 --> 01:15:41,698
I go, "Yeah, dude, you are."

1417
01:15:41,798 --> 01:15:43,867
I says, "You got a
Nintendo Wii that works.

1418
01:15:43,967 --> 01:15:45,969
"You've had it for four years,
and it still works.

1419
01:15:46,069 --> 01:15:48,305
"If something happens to it,
loan take it back to the store,

1420
01:15:48,405 --> 01:15:50,307
"get you a new one,
because I got a warranty

1421
01:15:50,407 --> 01:15:52,209
"that'll last you
another four years."

1422
01:15:52,309 --> 01:15:53,677
"Why is that a big deal?"

1423
01:15:53,777 --> 01:15:55,846
"Because when I was your age,
I had a Nintendo."

1424
01:15:55,946 --> 01:15:57,682
"Wii?" "No.

1425
01:15:58,849 --> 01:16:00,417
"Frankie, in 1987,

1426
01:16:00,517 --> 01:16:04,555
"I had a thing called a Nintendo
Entertainment System, okay?"

1427
01:16:07,691 --> 01:16:10,963
Nintendo Entertainment System.

1428
01:16:11,328 --> 01:16:13,163
It didn't last four years.

1429
01:16:13,263 --> 01:16:14,865
It lasts 90 days.

1430
01:16:14,965 --> 01:16:17,200
90 days is what it took
for you to hit "Power,"

1431
01:16:17,300 --> 01:16:19,236
and start seeing a
flashing red screen.

1432
01:16:19,336 --> 01:16:20,671
You know the flashing red screen,

1433
01:16:20,771 --> 01:16:22,339
where you have to look at
the ground or look away,

1434
01:16:22,439 --> 01:16:25,813
or you have a seizure right
then and there? Oh, yeah.

1435
01:16:26,109 --> 01:16:28,111
And then what you had to do is
you had to flip the Nintendo over,

1436
01:16:28,211 --> 01:16:29,346
and there was a silver sticker,

1437
01:16:29,446 --> 01:16:31,682
a silver sticker with
an 800 number on it,

1438
01:16:31,782 --> 01:16:33,216
and you call the 800 number,

1439
01:16:33,316 --> 01:16:35,352
and they put you in contact
with someone in Japan,

1440
01:16:35,452 --> 01:16:37,254
who made you feel like a pendejo.

1441
01:16:37,354 --> 01:16:39,022
Oh, yeah. He made you feel stupid.

1442
01:16:39,122 --> 01:16:40,257
You call him up, and he's like,

1443
01:16:40,357 --> 01:16:43,226
"It cost 250 to repair Nintendo."

1444
01:16:43,326 --> 01:16:44,761
250 to fix it?

1445
01:16:44,861 --> 01:16:47,064
But it's 150 for a brand-new one.

1446
01:16:47,164 --> 01:16:49,866
And if you couldn't afford
150 for a brand-new one,

1447
01:16:49,966 --> 01:16:52,603
like we couldn't afford
150 for a brand-new one,

1448
01:16:52,703 --> 01:16:54,204
you had to become a technician.

1449
01:16:54,304 --> 01:16:56,707
At the age of seven,
eight, nine, 10, 11,

1450
01:16:56,807 --> 01:16:58,108
you had to go in the kitchen

1451
01:16:58,208 --> 01:17:00,944
and find the most messed-up
butter knife you could.

1452
01:17:01,044 --> 01:17:03,046
Right? The one that had
bend marks and rust stains,

1453
01:17:03,146 --> 01:17:05,148
and take that sucker
back in the living room,

1454
01:17:05,248 --> 01:17:07,951
because you were going
to perform an operation.

1455
01:17:08,051 --> 01:17:09,820
You were going to perform an operation

1456
01:17:09,920 --> 01:17:12,760
and bring that Nintendo back to life.

1457
01:17:13,824 --> 01:17:15,128
Yeah.

1458
01:17:18,328 --> 01:17:20,097
You had to work to play.

1459
01:17:20,197 --> 01:17:21,665
You had to unplug it,
plug it back in,

1460
01:17:21,765 --> 01:17:23,233
power, reset, power,
reset, power, reset.

1461
01:17:23,333 --> 01:17:26,336
It was like performing CPR.

1462
01:17:26,436 --> 01:17:27,838
You'd hold a cartridge

1463
01:17:27,938 --> 01:17:29,272
and it was like you push
it down, you push it up,

1464
01:17:29,372 --> 01:17:31,274
you push it down, you push it up,
push it down, you push it up,

1465
01:17:31,374 --> 01:17:34,011
push it down, you push it up.
Give it oxygen!

1466
01:17:43,086 --> 01:17:45,322
And if you were lucky,
if you were lucky,

1467
01:17:45,422 --> 01:17:47,190
you'd hear the magical sound.

1468
01:17:48,525 --> 01:17:52,172
"It's alive! It's alive!"

1469
01:17:56,199 --> 01:17:59,102
You were more happy about
making your game work

1470
01:17:59,202 --> 01:18:01,438
than actually playing
it back in the day.

1471
01:18:01,538 --> 01:18:03,607
Frankie will never know about having

1472
01:18:03,707 --> 01:18:06,943
to repair his game system
in order to play it.

1473
01:18:07,043 --> 01:18:09,046
He'll never have to deal
with the cartridge.

1474
01:18:09,146 --> 01:18:11,448
He barely has to touch the disk.

1475
01:18:11,548 --> 01:18:14,518
Most of the games now,
you stream it through Wi-Fi.

1476
01:18:14,618 --> 01:18:16,119
And if the Wi-Fi's messing up,

1477
01:18:16,219 --> 01:18:17,988
you're not going to fix
Wi-Fi the same way

1478
01:18:18,088 --> 01:18:20,123
you'd fix an old-school
Nintendo cartridge.

1479
01:18:20,223 --> 01:18:21,458
That doesn't work.

1480
01:18:21,558 --> 01:18:22,659
"Wi-Fi's out." "Hold on.

1481
01:18:23,894 --> 01:18:25,198
"Try it again."

1482
01:18:26,163 --> 01:18:28,274
You can't touch Wi-Fi.

1483
01:18:28,398 --> 01:18:32,636
Gadgets and devices now are
so delicate and sensitive.

1484
01:18:32,736 --> 01:18:33,737
You can't touch anything.

1485
01:18:33,837 --> 01:18:35,238
Everything requires a specialist

1486
01:18:35,338 --> 01:18:37,808
or a technician to
come over and fix it.

1487
01:18:37,908 --> 01:18:41,578
Back in the day,
gadgets and appliances

1488
01:18:41,678 --> 01:18:44,481
worked so much better
when you applied

1489
01:18:44,581 --> 01:18:46,886
just a little violence to them.

1490
01:18:48,285 --> 01:18:50,420
You didn't have to
call a repairperson.

1491
01:18:50,520 --> 01:18:52,589
If you had a big-screen TV

1492
01:18:52,689 --> 01:18:54,524
and there was lines
going through the middle,

1493
01:18:54,624 --> 01:18:55,996
how would you fix it?

1494
01:18:56,760 --> 01:18:58,995
Right? And what happened?

1495
01:18:59,095 --> 01:19:00,831
Ta-da!

1496
01:19:05,468 --> 01:19:07,938
Let you try that method tonight

1497
01:19:08,038 --> 01:19:10,013
on a flat-screen,
and see what happens.

1498
01:19:10,440 --> 01:19:12,916
"Stupid flat-screen. Shit! Broke it!

1499
01:19:13,777 --> 01:19:16,947
"Pick it up right there.
I got a warranty. Come on. Let's go."

1500
01:19:17,047 --> 01:19:18,949
I tell Frankie, "You are so lucky.

1501
01:19:19,049 --> 01:19:21,685
"You're in an age of
technology that's amazing.

1502
01:19:21,785 --> 01:19:23,055
"You don't have to worry."

1503
01:19:23,220 --> 01:19:25,222
I want him to get it.
I want him to understand.

1504
01:19:25,322 --> 01:19:26,757
I want him to appreciate,

1505
01:19:26,857 --> 01:19:29,860
but at the same time, I got to
learn to freaking check myself.

1506
01:19:29,960 --> 01:19:31,428
Sometimes he says things.

1507
01:19:31,528 --> 01:19:32,763
Sometimes he says things to me,

1508
01:19:32,863 --> 01:19:36,408
and sometimes they sound
a little rude or hurtful.

1509
01:19:36,733 --> 01:19:39,536
For example, every Monday,
when I go home,

1510
01:19:39,636 --> 01:19:42,939
every Monday night, I go home,
and I always take my family out.

1511
01:19:43,039 --> 01:19:45,242
It's always movie night.
I love movie night on Mondays.

1512
01:19:45,342 --> 01:19:48,712
There's no lines. You go in,
you go out, good parking. It's sweet.

1513
01:19:48,812 --> 01:19:52,282
And I always tell Frankie before
we go out, "Hey, one hour.

1514
01:19:52,382 --> 01:19:54,117
"We're leaving, okay, one hour.

1515
01:19:54,217 --> 01:19:55,552
"Make sure you're ready, okay?"

1516
01:19:55,652 --> 01:19:56,920
"Okay." "Good."

1517
01:19:57,020 --> 01:19:59,890
And then I go in the room,
and I take a nap,

1518
01:19:59,990 --> 01:20:01,658
and sometimes I oversleep,

1519
01:20:01,758 --> 01:20:04,561
and so, an hour and a half later,
Frankie comes over to the room.

1520
01:20:04,661 --> 01:20:07,335
He pounds on the door. Door...

1521
01:20:08,265 --> 01:20:11,067
And I wake up. I'm like,
"Hey, what's up, Frankie?"

1522
01:20:11,167 --> 01:20:13,779
"I thought you said we
were leaving in an hour.

1523
01:20:17,407 --> 01:20:19,382
"What happened to an hour?"

1524
01:20:20,877 --> 01:20:22,846
I don't get mad. I don't yell.

1525
01:20:22,946 --> 01:20:24,481
I just look at him, and I say,

1526
01:20:24,581 --> 01:20:27,584
"Please forgive me, sir.
I do apologize.

1527
01:20:27,684 --> 01:20:29,753
"As soon as I am done
washing the horses,

1528
01:20:29,853 --> 01:20:32,966
"I shall take the carriage
to your quarters, sir."

1529
01:20:36,092 --> 01:20:37,896
"Why are you talking
to me like that?"

1530
01:20:38,028 --> 01:20:39,429
"I am speaking to you this way,

1531
01:20:39,529 --> 01:20:42,642
"because you're speaking to
me like I'm an asshole, sir,

1532
01:20:43,033 --> 01:20:44,935
"and I shall not
tolerate such behavior

1533
01:20:45,035 --> 01:20:48,307
"coming from my offspring
that is technically not mine.

1534
01:20:50,874 --> 01:20:52,485
"Do you have anything else, sir?"

1535
01:20:53,310 --> 01:20:55,512
"Can my friends go with
us to the movies?"

1536
01:20:55,612 --> 01:20:57,758
"Oh, the vultures are here.

1537
01:20:58,381 --> 01:21:00,784
"Oh, they are here to pick
at the fruit of my labor.

1538
01:21:00,884 --> 01:21:04,020
"Absolutely, Frankie.
Is there anything else?"

1539
01:21:04,120 --> 01:21:05,121
"What are you going to do?"

1540
01:21:05,221 --> 01:21:06,556
"I am going in the room, sir."

1541
01:21:06,656 --> 01:21:07,624
"To do what?"

1542
01:21:07,724 --> 01:21:09,835
"I'm going to defile
your mother, Frankie.

1543
01:21:10,660 --> 01:21:14,637
"She's been quite chatty,
and someone must put her in her place."

1544
01:21:16,399 --> 01:21:19,870
I stumbled on gold that night.

1545
01:21:19,970 --> 01:21:21,805
I stumbled on gold, you guys.

1546
01:21:21,905 --> 01:21:23,173
When I said that about his mom,

1547
01:21:23,273 --> 01:21:24,808
I found out

1548
01:21:24,908 --> 01:21:27,850
that Frankie is very
sensitive about his mom.

1549
01:21:28,345 --> 01:21:32,148
And he's at the age right now where
affection really bothers him.

1550
01:21:32,248 --> 01:21:35,585
Not necessarily from me, because
if I try to hug him, he's cool with it,

1551
01:21:35,685 --> 01:21:37,320
'cause I give those quick
bro hugs, you know, like,

1552
01:21:37,420 --> 01:21:39,656
"Hey. Hey, what's up?" You know?

1553
01:21:39,756 --> 01:21:42,698
However, if his mom is
standing right next to me

1554
01:21:42,826 --> 01:21:45,061
and I reach over and I grab her hand,

1555
01:21:45,161 --> 01:21:48,164
he sees that as gross,
and he'll make the face.

1556
01:21:48,264 --> 01:21:49,232
"Ugh!"

1557
01:21:49,332 --> 01:21:50,670
"What?"

1558
01:21:50,834 --> 01:21:52,172
"Ah."

1559
01:21:53,303 --> 01:21:54,504
"The hand?"

1560
01:21:54,604 --> 01:21:55,872
"That's gross, Dad."

1561
01:21:55,972 --> 01:21:58,041
I'm like, "Oh, that's not gross,
Frankie. That's not gross,

1562
01:21:58,141 --> 01:22:00,321
"Baby, open your mouth."

1563
01:22:06,282 --> 01:22:09,953
That's his weak spot, and I
go for it every single time.

1564
01:22:10,053 --> 01:22:11,688
One day, I was ironing
one of my shirts

1565
01:22:11,788 --> 01:22:12,756
that I was going to put on, right?

1566
01:22:12,856 --> 01:22:15,091
I'm ironing the shirt, and I'm
talking to him about his grades.

1567
01:22:15,191 --> 01:22:16,793
As I'm talking to him
about his grades,

1568
01:22:16,893 --> 01:22:18,528
there's a car driving
in front of the house,

1569
01:22:18,628 --> 01:22:19,763
and the stereo was really loud,

1570
01:22:19,863 --> 01:22:21,531
and you could feel the bass.

1571
01:22:23,666 --> 01:22:26,278
So I started dancing. "Oh, yeah."

1572
01:22:27,137 --> 01:22:28,605
Frankie starts laughing, right?

1573
01:22:28,705 --> 01:22:31,308
And that felt good.
I was making my son laugh.

1574
01:22:31,408 --> 01:22:34,114
But then he starts pointing.
He starts pointing.

1575
01:22:35,545 --> 01:22:36,780
"Why are you pointing?"

1576
01:22:36,880 --> 01:22:39,249
"'Cause you're fat,
your fat's going everywhere.

1577
01:22:39,349 --> 01:22:41,084
"Your fat's going everywhere."

1578
01:22:41,184 --> 01:22:44,120
I go, "Really? My fat's going
everywhere? Well, guess what?

1579
01:22:44,220 --> 01:22:47,299
"This fat makes your mom horny."

1580
01:23:00,103 --> 01:23:01,248
And he's like...

1581
01:23:04,741 --> 01:23:08,388
If I ask him to do something,
and he doesn't do it,

1582
01:23:08,845 --> 01:23:10,847
like, for example, as parents,

1583
01:23:10,947 --> 01:23:13,616
you want your kids to go
to sleep by a certain time,

1584
01:23:13,716 --> 01:23:16,753
because you need 'em to wake up
in time to get ready for school.

1585
01:23:16,853 --> 01:23:19,155
Frankie's cutoff is 11:00.

1586
01:23:19,255 --> 01:23:21,958
It's pretty late,
if you ask me, for a kid.

1587
01:23:22,058 --> 01:23:24,527
Sometimes he'll push it to midnight,
you know, play dumb.

1588
01:23:24,627 --> 01:23:25,762
"Oh, I didn't know what time it was."

1589
01:23:25,862 --> 01:23:28,565
"Yeah, whatever.
You're only holding a clock."

1590
01:23:29,699 --> 01:23:31,968
But I get it. I used
to play dumb, too.

1591
01:23:32,068 --> 01:23:34,437
So then he'll walk in his room,
and he'll say...

1592
01:23:34,537 --> 01:23:36,806
"Good night, Dad,"
and he'll close the door.

1593
01:23:38,041 --> 01:23:39,476
And he thinks he's slick.

1594
01:23:39,576 --> 01:23:42,545
He takes a towel, and he
starts rolling up the towel,

1595
01:23:42,645 --> 01:23:44,447
and he puts it under the door,

1596
01:23:44,547 --> 01:23:47,591
so that I can't see the
light coming from the TV.

1597
01:23:48,118 --> 01:23:49,452
Sounds pretty genius, right?

1598
01:23:49,552 --> 01:23:52,756
But, hello, cover the
rest of the stupid door.

1599
01:23:53,890 --> 01:23:55,859
He freaking turns on his big-ass TV,

1600
01:23:55,959 --> 01:23:58,935
and it looks like Immigration's
breaking in to his bedroom.

1601
01:24:01,097 --> 01:24:02,799
And so what happens is he'll stay up

1602
01:24:02,899 --> 01:24:04,801
until 2:00, 3:00,
4:00 in the morning,

1603
01:24:04,901 --> 01:24:07,470
and he, you know,
he's supposed to wake up at 6:00.

1604
01:24:07,570 --> 01:24:10,473
His alarm goes off, and he
sleeps through the alarm,

1605
01:24:10,573 --> 01:24:12,308
and it's a real alarm-alarm.

1606
01:24:12,408 --> 01:24:14,344
It's not a radio. It's freaking...

1607
01:24:16,613 --> 01:24:18,451
Whole house awake. Him?

1608
01:24:20,583 --> 01:24:21,985
And it's right here.

1609
01:24:22,085 --> 01:24:24,154
So I got to get out of bed,
and I go over to his room,

1610
01:24:24,254 --> 01:24:27,323
and I open the door, and I kick
the stupid towel out of the way,

1611
01:24:27,423 --> 01:24:29,259
and then I walk over, you know.

1612
01:24:34,430 --> 01:24:37,008
And I yell, "Frankie! Frankie!"

1613
01:24:37,433 --> 01:24:39,002
Nothing, so I shake him.

1614
01:24:39,102 --> 01:24:40,670
"Frankie, wake up."

1615
01:24:40,770 --> 01:24:43,406
You know what happens when
I shake my son in the morning?

1616
01:24:43,506 --> 01:24:45,982
It makes him eat in his sleep.

1617
01:24:46,476 --> 01:24:49,486
That's what happens.
I shake him, and he does this.

1618
01:24:59,656 --> 01:25:00,757
So you know what I do?

1619
01:25:00,857 --> 01:25:04,527
I get on top of the bed,
and I slowly lay on top of him,

1620
01:25:04,627 --> 01:25:07,797
and I apply my full weight,
bro, all of it,

1621
01:25:07,897 --> 01:25:10,077
slowly, and you could hear him.

1622
01:25:13,670 --> 01:25:19,183
"Oh, God! Oh, God!
You're too big! You're too big!"

1623
01:25:19,542 --> 01:25:21,111
And then I whisper in his ear,

1624
01:25:21,211 --> 01:25:23,516
"That's what your mom said."

1625
01:25:37,227 --> 01:25:40,865
I know one day, my son is going to write
a book called Fluffy's Full of Shit.

1626
01:25:42,665 --> 01:25:44,606
It's kind of crazy.

1627
01:25:45,668 --> 01:25:47,670
I talked to his mom.

1628
01:25:47,770 --> 01:25:50,907
I talked to Frankie's mom,
and she tells me, "Listen."

1629
01:25:51,007 --> 01:25:53,910
She goes, "I'm going to tell
you something. Don't get mad.

1630
01:25:54,010 --> 01:25:57,419
"The reason why you and Frankie
are always butting heads

1631
01:25:58,514 --> 01:26:01,058
"is because you guys are
basically the same person."

1632
01:26:01,684 --> 01:26:03,253
And I go, "We are not
the same person."

1633
01:26:03,353 --> 01:26:04,954
She goes,
"Your mannerisms are the same.

1634
01:26:05,054 --> 01:26:06,256
"The way you guys think is the same.

1635
01:26:06,356 --> 01:26:08,958
"You're exactly...
You're moody in the same way.

1636
01:26:09,058 --> 01:26:10,093
"It's the same."

1637
01:26:10,193 --> 01:26:12,295
And keep in mind,
Frankie's technically my stepson,

1638
01:26:12,395 --> 01:26:14,097
so my girl insisting this,
that we're the same,

1639
01:26:14,197 --> 01:26:16,934
I'm like, "Hello, I wasn't
there at the beginning."

1640
01:26:18,801 --> 01:26:21,271
But, no, she insists.
"You guys are the same."

1641
01:26:21,371 --> 01:26:22,939
And I started analyzing our lives.

1642
01:26:23,039 --> 01:26:24,541
I started analyzing Frankie's life,

1643
01:26:24,641 --> 01:26:26,109
and I started analyzing my life,

1644
01:26:26,209 --> 01:26:27,777
and I started realizing that,
you know what,

1645
01:26:27,877 --> 01:26:30,947
our lives run on these
crazy parallels.

1646
01:26:31,047 --> 01:26:32,715
I'm going to tell you guys something.

1647
01:26:32,815 --> 01:26:35,451
In all my previous specials,
I'd always talk about my mom.

1648
01:26:35,551 --> 01:26:37,520
My mom, my mom, my mom, my mom.

1649
01:26:37,620 --> 01:26:39,956
I never really made
references about my dad,

1650
01:26:40,056 --> 01:26:42,492
because my dad wasn't there
when I was growing up.

1651
01:26:42,592 --> 01:26:43,993
And I made a joke one time

1652
01:26:44,093 --> 01:26:46,329
about how my mom said that
my dad was a mariachi.

1653
01:26:46,429 --> 01:26:48,131
Which is true,
and that he was the guy

1654
01:26:48,231 --> 01:26:50,274
that was on the bottle of hot sauce.

1655
01:26:51,567 --> 01:26:53,838
My dad was the Tapatío guy.

1656
01:26:54,904 --> 01:26:57,140
So after that,

1657
01:26:57,240 --> 01:27:00,043
people started asking
questions about my dad,

1658
01:27:00,143 --> 01:27:02,045
and so they're like, "So what's
the story with your dad?"

1659
01:27:02,145 --> 01:27:03,980
And it felt really awkward
for me to bring up the fact

1660
01:27:04,080 --> 01:27:05,648
that I didn't grow up
with one, you know?

1661
01:27:05,748 --> 01:27:07,817
And nobody wants to tell people,
"I grew up without a parent."

1662
01:27:07,917 --> 01:27:10,587
For me, it was very personal,
and I started building up this wall,

1663
01:27:10,687 --> 01:27:14,023
because people kept asking questions,
especially this one,

1664
01:27:14,123 --> 01:27:17,827
"What would you say if your
dad wanted to see you now?"

1665
01:27:18,628 --> 01:27:20,396
And for me, it's been over 30 years,

1666
01:27:20,496 --> 01:27:21,898
and so I'd always say the same thing.

1667
01:27:21,998 --> 01:27:23,866
I said, "Well, if my
dad wanted to see me,

1668
01:27:23,966 --> 01:27:26,146
"I'd tell him he has
to buy a ticket."

1669
01:27:27,270 --> 01:27:28,504
That was the go-to line.

1670
01:27:28,604 --> 01:27:30,907
"If my dad wants to see me,
I'll tell him to buy a ticket.

1671
01:27:31,007 --> 01:27:32,481
"I'll tell him to buy a ticket.

1672
01:27:32,608 --> 01:27:34,210
"My dad wants to see
me 30 years later,

1673
01:27:34,310 --> 01:27:37,520
"I'm going to have him buy a ticket."
I said this for over seven years.

1674
01:27:38,014 --> 01:27:39,659
And guess who bought a ticket?

1675
01:27:40,983 --> 01:27:43,254
Bay Area, it's about to get real.

1676
01:27:44,654 --> 01:27:46,022
Oh, let me tell you this one.

1677
01:27:46,122 --> 01:27:49,459
So I'm doing a show at
a comedy club in LA

1678
01:27:49,559 --> 01:27:51,127
called the Comedy and Magic Club,

1679
01:27:51,227 --> 01:27:53,596
and it's about a 250-seat room,

1680
01:27:53,696 --> 01:27:56,366
and the manager Richard comes
up to me before I go onstage,

1681
01:27:56,466 --> 01:27:57,767
and he goes, "Hey, listen, Gabe.

1682
01:27:57,867 --> 01:28:00,770
"Your dad's in the back of the room.
"Can we pay for his drinks and his food?"

1683
01:28:00,870 --> 01:28:02,905
I go, "What are you talking about?"
He goes, "Yeah, your dad's in the back.

1684
01:28:03,005 --> 01:28:04,207
"Are we paying for
his food and drinks?"

1685
01:28:04,307 --> 01:28:06,476
I go, "Listen, I haven't seen
my dad in over 30 years.

1686
01:28:06,576 --> 01:28:08,378
"That's somebody trying to
get free food and drinks.

1687
01:28:08,478 --> 01:28:09,912
"Cut him off.
Don't pay for anything."

1688
01:28:10,012 --> 01:28:11,881
"Got it, bro." So I go up onstage.

1689
01:28:11,981 --> 01:28:15,253
I start doing my thing.
No problem, show goes over very well.

1690
01:28:16,052 --> 01:28:18,421
I wind up outside after the show,
and I'm doing a meet-and-greet.

1691
01:28:18,521 --> 01:28:20,556
I'm taking pictures,
and I'm signing DVDs.

1692
01:28:20,656 --> 01:28:22,825
My dad goes out and gets in line

1693
01:28:22,925 --> 01:28:25,595
with the rest of the fans
to try to meet me like that.

1694
01:28:25,695 --> 01:28:28,097
And my manager goes
to the back of the line,

1695
01:28:28,197 --> 01:28:29,832
and then she comes up
to me, and she goes,

1696
01:28:29,932 --> 01:28:31,901
"Listen, Gabe. Um...

1697
01:28:32,001 --> 01:28:33,603
"The guy that's at the
back of the line,

1698
01:28:33,703 --> 01:28:37,307
"I have a feeling that
that could be your dad."

1699
01:28:37,407 --> 01:28:39,951
I go, "Really? You, too? Why?"

1700
01:28:40,276 --> 01:28:45,721
"I saw his ID. Gabe,
is his name Jesus?"

1701
01:28:46,416 --> 01:28:50,393
And I was like, "Well, that's a one-in-four
chance right there, you know?"

1702
01:28:52,188 --> 01:28:53,690
I mean, seriously,
you can't throw a rock

1703
01:28:53,790 --> 01:28:56,934
in Los Angeles without hitting
a Jesus. You really can't.

1704
01:28:58,594 --> 01:29:01,698
And so I go, "That's it?"

1705
01:29:01,798 --> 01:29:05,501
She goes, "Gabe, I'm going to be
honest with you. He has your eyes."

1706
01:29:05,601 --> 01:29:08,304
I go, "Really? Out of all of this,

1707
01:29:08,404 --> 01:29:11,607
"you went to the two smallest things
on my body to compare us two?

1708
01:29:11,707 --> 01:29:13,509
"Are you kidding me?"

1709
01:29:13,609 --> 01:29:17,780
And then she said, "Is his
birthday December 25th?"

1710
01:29:17,880 --> 01:29:21,851
And my heart dropped, because my
dad's birthday is actually Christmas.

1711
01:29:21,951 --> 01:29:23,219
Every year, my mom would remind me,

1712
01:29:23,319 --> 01:29:26,656
"Merry Christmas. He's not
here again. Open your gift."

1713
01:29:26,756 --> 01:29:28,324
And so it always stuck right here,

1714
01:29:28,424 --> 01:29:30,827
"December 25th, December 25th,
December 25th."

1715
01:29:30,927 --> 01:29:35,131
So it freaked me out so bad that I
started shaking. I started shaking.

1716
01:29:35,231 --> 01:29:37,433
I was freaking out, because it was
a bunch of emotions. I was angry.

1717
01:29:37,534 --> 01:29:40,403
I was sad. I was happy. It was just
everything all at the same time.

1718
01:29:40,503 --> 01:29:42,705
And so people are coming up to me.
They're like, "Are you okay?"

1719
01:29:42,805 --> 01:29:44,307
And I kept saying this over and over.

1720
01:29:44,407 --> 01:29:47,210
I said, "My dad's here. My dad's here.
My dad's here. My dad's here."

1721
01:29:47,310 --> 01:29:49,345
And they're like, "That's good.
Your dad's here to support you."

1722
01:29:49,445 --> 01:29:50,980
I'm like, "I haven't seen
him in over 30 years."

1723
01:29:51,080 --> 01:29:53,726
And they're like, "Awkward.
Yeah. Awkward."

1724
01:29:54,951 --> 01:29:57,320
So I told my manager, "Go to the
back of the line and get him out.

1725
01:29:57,420 --> 01:29:59,489
"This is not the time or the
place to do this, right?"

1726
01:29:59,589 --> 01:30:01,591
So she goes back there,
and I see them talking.

1727
01:30:01,691 --> 01:30:03,993
Then I see him walking away,
and then he stops,

1728
01:30:04,093 --> 01:30:07,330
and he turns around, and he
looks at me, and he waves.

1729
01:30:07,430 --> 01:30:09,234
And it freaked me out, you guys.

1730
01:30:09,699 --> 01:30:13,169
In addition to freaking me out,
he's holding one of my DVDs,

1731
01:30:13,269 --> 01:30:17,006
which really messed me up,
because I've been signing DVDs all night.

1732
01:30:17,106 --> 01:30:18,683
What was I going to put on his?

1733
01:30:19,775 --> 01:30:22,319
You know? "Hey, where you been?"

1734
01:30:27,350 --> 01:30:29,685
So she gets his info, gives it to me.

1735
01:30:29,785 --> 01:30:32,622
I give the info to my girlfriend,
right, and I finish the meet-and-greet.

1736
01:30:32,722 --> 01:30:34,290
We get in the car. We go back home.

1737
01:30:34,390 --> 01:30:36,192
I'm not saying anything.
I'm just shaking.

1738
01:30:36,292 --> 01:30:38,127
I'm sweating, and my
girl goes, "You okay?"

1739
01:30:38,227 --> 01:30:39,228
I said, "Listen, you know what?

1740
01:30:39,328 --> 01:30:42,198
"I been playing this scenario
in my head for over 30 years,

1741
01:30:42,298 --> 01:30:43,699
"what would I do if
he ever showed up.

1742
01:30:43,799 --> 01:30:45,368
"I thought I was
prepared to handle this,

1743
01:30:45,468 --> 01:30:47,203
"and I'm not. I'm freaking out."

1744
01:30:47,303 --> 01:30:49,539
And she goes, "Baby, listen,
how 'bout we sleep on it,

1745
01:30:49,639 --> 01:30:51,240
"and we'll figure this
out together tomorrow?

1746
01:30:51,340 --> 01:30:54,110
"Just sleep on it. Try to relax."
And I'm like, "That's a good idea."

1747
01:30:54,210 --> 01:30:55,611
So we get in bed.

1748
01:30:55,711 --> 01:30:58,147
She knocks out, and I'm just...
I can't. I can't sleep.

1749
01:30:58,247 --> 01:31:01,651
And 3:00 in the morning rolls around,
and I say, "I can't take it anymore."

1750
01:31:01,751 --> 01:31:03,419
So I wake up my girl.
I said, "Baby, get up."

1751
01:31:03,519 --> 01:31:06,393
"What is it? What?"
I go, "Listen, call him."

1752
01:31:06,656 --> 01:31:08,891
"Right now?" I go, "Yes."

1753
01:31:08,991 --> 01:31:12,900
"It's 3:00 in the morning.
That's disrespectful."

1754
01:31:13,696 --> 01:31:16,638
I'm like, "Hello.
Who waited 30 years?"

1755
01:31:17,533 --> 01:31:21,270
"Fine." So she gets on the
phone, and she calls my dad,

1756
01:31:21,370 --> 01:31:23,139
and he answered on the first ring,

1757
01:31:23,239 --> 01:31:25,808
and I could hear 'em talking,
going back and forth.

1758
01:31:25,908 --> 01:31:27,343
And then she hangs up
the phone, and she says,

1759
01:31:27,443 --> 01:31:30,313
"Listen, baby, your dad
wants me to let you know

1760
01:31:30,413 --> 01:31:33,149
"that he doesn't want any money.
He doesn't want any money.

1761
01:31:33,249 --> 01:31:36,586
"He doesn't want anything from you,
but 10 minutes of your time,

1762
01:31:36,686 --> 01:31:38,521
"so he can ask you a
couple of questions

1763
01:31:38,621 --> 01:31:40,756
"and hopefully answer some questions.

1764
01:31:40,856 --> 01:31:45,266
"Me, personally, I think you need closure,
because you're messed up."

1765
01:31:48,197 --> 01:31:50,308
My girl keeps it real.

1766
01:31:50,900 --> 01:31:53,580
So I said, "Listen, call him back.

1767
01:31:53,869 --> 01:31:55,171
"Let him know that I
want to see him today

1768
01:31:55,271 --> 01:31:56,472
"at the comedy club where we met."

1769
01:31:56,572 --> 01:31:58,474
She goes, "Fine."
So she calls him back.

1770
01:31:58,574 --> 01:32:01,777
She hangs up the phone. And she goes,
"Okay, baby, I confirmed it.

1771
01:32:01,877 --> 01:32:04,981
"7:00 at the comedy club.
Can we get some sleep now?"

1772
01:32:05,081 --> 01:32:06,949
And I go, "Listen,
I got to do something."

1773
01:32:07,049 --> 01:32:11,153
She goes, "What?" And I get out of bed,
and I walk over to the living room.

1774
01:32:11,253 --> 01:32:13,956
And in the living room,
I have a giant mirror, okay?

1775
01:32:14,056 --> 01:32:16,125
And this giant mirror,
I get in front of it,

1776
01:32:16,225 --> 01:32:19,395
and I start rehearsing the speech
I'm about to have with my dad

1777
01:32:19,495 --> 01:32:22,798
that I haven't seen in over 30 years.
Now keep in mind, you guys.

1778
01:32:22,898 --> 01:32:27,637
This is the only thing I've ever really
rehearsed. I can't rehearse this,

1779
01:32:27,737 --> 01:32:31,307
because I don't know if it's funny
or not until you laugh at it.

1780
01:32:31,407 --> 01:32:33,142
Seriously. I can stand in
front of the mirror all day.

1781
01:32:37,346 --> 01:32:39,882
Apparently that shit is funny.
Okay, cool.

1782
01:32:39,982 --> 01:32:42,162
I'll try it again tomorrow.

1783
01:32:43,252 --> 01:32:44,820
So I'm front of the mirror.

1784
01:32:44,920 --> 01:32:48,157
I'm very emotional, and my
whole chest is bright red,

1785
01:32:48,257 --> 01:32:50,826
because I'm doing the stupid,
emotional macho thing.

1786
01:32:50,926 --> 01:32:53,329
I'm standing there,
and I'm doing this...

1787
01:32:53,429 --> 01:32:55,666
"Who do you think you are?

1788
01:32:56,966 --> 01:32:58,434
"Who do you think you are?"

1789
01:32:58,534 --> 01:33:00,102
And my girlfriend grabs me.
She grabs me.

1790
01:33:00,202 --> 01:33:02,405
"Baby, calm down,"
and I snapped on her.

1791
01:33:02,505 --> 01:33:05,608
I said, "Listen, this is the only way
I know how to handle this, okay?

1792
01:33:05,708 --> 01:33:06,842
"Just give me a little bit of space.

1793
01:33:06,942 --> 01:33:08,578
"I promise you tomorrow
I'll be a better person.

1794
01:33:08,678 --> 01:33:10,947
"This is the only way I
know how to deal with this.

1795
01:33:11,047 --> 01:33:14,383
"Please understand." And she
was like, "I get it, No worries.

1796
01:33:14,483 --> 01:33:18,087
"I'm in the room if you need me."
And so she goes in the room,

1797
01:33:18,187 --> 01:33:20,790
and I keep freaking yelling
and emotional, screaming.

1798
01:33:20,890 --> 01:33:23,626
And later on, she told me that I
guess I was being really loud

1799
01:33:23,726 --> 01:33:26,462
with the screaming and the hitting,
and I woke up Frankie.

1800
01:33:26,562 --> 01:33:28,230
And she says that Frankie
came in the living room,

1801
01:33:28,330 --> 01:33:32,435
and he hears freaking yelling and
hits and pops, and so he got scared,

1802
01:33:32,535 --> 01:33:35,204
and he sees me standing there in front
of the mirror, and I'm hitting myself,

1803
01:33:35,304 --> 01:33:38,575
and he freaked out. He was like...
"I better take out the trash."

1804
01:33:46,682 --> 01:33:49,318
Now don't get me wrong.
It's hysterical now, but at that moment,

1805
01:33:49,418 --> 01:33:50,720
I didn't notice it,
and I didn't care.

1806
01:33:50,820 --> 01:33:52,888
My focus is, "What am I
gonna say to this man?"

1807
01:33:52,988 --> 01:33:57,927
So I'm freaking nailing myself,
and finally, okay, 6:45 rolls around.

1808
01:33:58,027 --> 01:34:01,163
My girl and I get in the car,
and we head over to the comedy club.

1809
01:34:01,263 --> 01:34:03,232
We get there about 15 minutes late,
and you know what?

1810
01:34:03,332 --> 01:34:05,001
I'm like, "That's cool.
I'm glad we're late.

1811
01:34:05,101 --> 01:34:06,902
"This way, I'll just
walk into the club,

1812
01:34:07,002 --> 01:34:08,638
"I'll look at him,
and I'll start talking."

1813
01:34:08,738 --> 01:34:10,473
We pull up to the front.

1814
01:34:11,173 --> 01:34:14,977
I get out of the car. I start
walking up towards the sidewalk.

1815
01:34:15,077 --> 01:34:19,417
My dad is also 15 minutes late,
and he's walking up the curb,

1816
01:34:20,950 --> 01:34:22,118
It caught me off-guard,

1817
01:34:22,218 --> 01:34:24,186
because I wasn't planning on
meeting him on the street.

1818
01:34:24,286 --> 01:34:27,029
I was gonna meet him inside.
So now I froze. I'm like...

1819
01:34:28,557 --> 01:34:31,897
He looks at me,
and he does this. He goes...

1820
01:34:36,699 --> 01:34:38,267
And for me, I'm like,
"You know what? No.

1821
01:34:38,367 --> 01:34:41,203
"You can't do this. You can't show up
after 30 years and expect to hug me."

1822
01:34:41,303 --> 01:34:44,774
In my head, I'm like, "Do I
hug him, or do I hit him?"

1823
01:34:44,874 --> 01:34:47,343
And if my girl wouldn't have been
there, I'd have laid his ass out.

1824
01:34:47,443 --> 01:34:50,613
You don't do that to a kid.
And seriously, you guys. You can't.

1825
01:34:50,713 --> 01:34:52,715
You can't just show up...

1826
01:34:59,722 --> 01:35:02,792
And so my girl's looking at me, and she
sees the situation from different eyes,

1827
01:35:02,892 --> 01:35:05,628
so she's like, "You know what?
Just..." And I'm like...

1828
01:35:05,728 --> 01:35:08,564
So I walk over to him,
and I put my arms around him,

1829
01:35:08,664 --> 01:35:09,665
and I'll be honest with you guys.

1830
01:35:09,765 --> 01:35:12,902
It was the emptiest hug
I have ever given anyone,

1831
01:35:13,002 --> 01:35:15,204
and I'm hugging him,
and he starts crying in my ear.

1832
01:35:15,304 --> 01:35:17,406
And when he starts crying in
my ear, I pushed him off.

1833
01:35:17,506 --> 01:35:19,642
And I go, "No,
don't even try that. No."

1834
01:35:19,742 --> 01:35:22,011
And he's like, "No, no, no.
No, no. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry."

1835
01:35:22,111 --> 01:35:24,747
And I go, "Turn around.
Go inside." And he's, "Okay, okay."

1836
01:35:24,847 --> 01:35:26,882
So he turns around, and he goes
inside, and I start shaking.

1837
01:35:26,982 --> 01:35:29,151
And my girl's like, "You okay?"
I go, "I'm freaking out right now."

1838
01:35:29,251 --> 01:35:30,653
She goes, "Baby, just breathe."
I'm like...

1839
01:35:30,753 --> 01:35:33,389
I'm trying to breathe and relax,
and he walks in.

1840
01:35:33,489 --> 01:35:36,392
Five minutes go by, and I go,
"All right. Here we go."

1841
01:35:36,492 --> 01:35:38,094
I walk inside.

1842
01:35:38,194 --> 01:35:41,864
I see him sitting down, and I
walk right up to him, and I go...

1843
01:35:42,264 --> 01:35:44,400
"Who do you think you are?"

1844
01:35:44,500 --> 01:35:46,769
And my girlfriend grabbed me.
"Baby, calm down."

1845
01:35:46,869 --> 01:35:49,743
"Hey, you saw me doing
the shit at the house."

1846
01:35:54,810 --> 01:35:57,379
And I started laying into my dad.
I started asking all the questions.

1847
01:35:57,479 --> 01:36:00,182
You know, "Why? Where were you?
What happened? Did you even try?

1848
01:36:00,282 --> 01:36:02,685
"What was going on in your
life that was so important?"

1849
01:36:02,785 --> 01:36:04,520
And what really bothered
me was the fact

1850
01:36:04,620 --> 01:36:08,524
that he had a solid answer for every
single question I hit him with,

1851
01:36:08,624 --> 01:36:11,127
because I compared 'em to notes
from my mom and my sisters.

1852
01:36:11,227 --> 01:36:12,762
And more than anything,
I just wanted to vent.

1853
01:36:12,862 --> 01:36:15,297
I wanted to yell. I wanted to cuss.
I wanted to scream.

1854
01:36:15,397 --> 01:36:18,234
I wanted to get physical, and he
wasn't giving me that opportunity.

1855
01:36:18,334 --> 01:36:21,605
So I started making stuff up.
I was like, "You know what, Dad?

1856
01:36:23,138 --> 01:36:25,511
"My mom was mean to
me because of you."

1857
01:36:27,209 --> 01:36:29,078
He goes, "Well,
you know something, mijo,

1858
01:36:29,178 --> 01:36:33,382
"your mother had to do whatever
she had to do to raise you right.

1859
01:36:33,482 --> 01:36:35,818
"Look how good you turned out."

1860
01:36:35,918 --> 01:36:38,291
I was like, "Oh, he's good."

1861
01:36:40,222 --> 01:36:42,766
Apparently he has a mirror, too.

1862
01:36:45,761 --> 01:36:47,229
So I kept hitting him
with more questions,

1863
01:36:47,329 --> 01:36:49,398
and he kept coming back
with solid answers.

1864
01:36:49,498 --> 01:36:50,666
Eventually I got to the point

1865
01:36:50,766 --> 01:36:53,836
where I started asking the same
questions over and over again,

1866
01:36:53,936 --> 01:36:55,905
to see if maybe I'd get
a different answer,

1867
01:36:56,005 --> 01:36:59,074
and it started becoming redundant,
and I'm just going in circles.

1868
01:36:59,174 --> 01:37:02,745
Next thing I know,
my dad starts cracking jokes.

1869
01:37:02,845 --> 01:37:06,115
I'm like, "Seriously? 30 years,
and now you're cracking jokes?"

1870
01:37:06,215 --> 01:37:09,819
And it's not so much that he was
cracking jokes that bothered me.

1871
01:37:09,919 --> 01:37:12,292
It's the fact that they were funny.

1872
01:37:13,689 --> 01:37:17,933
I mean, really funny.
My girl's laughing.

1873
01:37:18,961 --> 01:37:21,904
Yeah, I could hear her. "Really?"

1874
01:37:22,865 --> 01:37:26,869
"What? What? I see where you get it."

1875
01:37:26,969 --> 01:37:30,013
I'm like, "Cabrona,
you're gonna get it."

1876
01:37:31,573 --> 01:37:33,013
"Yeah."

1877
01:37:33,943 --> 01:37:35,978
So the conversation is not
going anywhere. So I said,

1878
01:37:36,078 --> 01:37:37,446
"You know what? Let me
just change the subject.

1879
01:37:37,546 --> 01:37:39,849
"Let me just try to talk to
this guy as a regular person,

1880
01:37:39,949 --> 01:37:41,350
"not try to meet him as my dad."

1881
01:37:41,450 --> 01:37:43,786
So next thing I know, we got on
the subject of entertainment,

1882
01:37:43,886 --> 01:37:45,221
and that's something that
we both clicked with,

1883
01:37:45,321 --> 01:37:47,723
because my dad was a
mariachi for 20 years,

1884
01:37:47,823 --> 01:37:49,124
and of course I do what I do,

1885
01:37:49,224 --> 01:37:51,627
but the stories and the
lifestyle is very similar.

1886
01:37:51,727 --> 01:37:53,763
You know, we shared a lot of stories
about being at train stations,

1887
01:37:53,864 --> 01:37:55,698
bus stations, the airports,
being in the shuttle vans,

1888
01:37:55,798 --> 01:37:58,133
being in this city, that city,
this country, that country,

1889
01:37:58,233 --> 01:37:59,702
coming home to a family
that missed you,

1890
01:37:59,802 --> 01:38:03,305
or coming home to a family that
only wanted to see the check.

1891
01:38:03,405 --> 01:38:06,949
Next thing I know, we started
laughing. He high-fived me.

1892
01:38:07,076 --> 01:38:09,979
And then I told him, I says, "You know
what? I got to be honest with you."

1893
01:38:10,079 --> 01:38:12,815
I said, "I tried. I tried to
hate you. I really did."

1894
01:38:12,915 --> 01:38:16,518
I go, "But I understand.
I understand what happened.

1895
01:38:16,618 --> 01:38:19,555
"And I just want to let you know that
I'm very grateful that you're here,

1896
01:38:19,655 --> 01:38:23,492
"and I'm sorry that I was
the way that I was, um..."

1897
01:38:25,027 --> 01:38:26,331
Yeah.

1898
01:38:34,103 --> 01:38:35,738
I says, "I think I
really needed this."

1899
01:38:35,838 --> 01:38:37,773
And he goes, "I know I
needed this." I go, "Yeah."

1900
01:38:37,873 --> 01:38:40,075
I go, "Listen, I want to
ask you for a favor."

1901
01:38:40,175 --> 01:38:42,845
"Anything. Tu dime.
Whatever. Tu dime."

1902
01:38:42,945 --> 01:38:46,348
I go, "Look, I don't have
any pictures of you,

1903
01:38:46,448 --> 01:38:48,150
"of my mom, and myself together.

1904
01:38:48,283 --> 01:38:50,185
"It would mean a lot to me
if I could get a picture

1905
01:38:50,285 --> 01:38:52,688
"with the three of us together,
so that I could blow it up and frame it

1906
01:38:52,788 --> 01:38:54,690
"and put it on my wall.
Would you be willing

1907
01:38:54,790 --> 01:38:56,358
"to take a picture with
my mom and myself?"

1908
01:38:56,458 --> 01:39:00,696
"No problem. You name it.
Yo lo hago. No problem."

1909
01:39:00,796 --> 01:39:02,298
I go, "Okay, thank you.
I appreciate that."

1910
01:39:02,398 --> 01:39:04,537
I go, "I just gotta check
with my mom." And he goes...

1911
01:39:07,703 --> 01:39:09,508
And I was like, "Right?"

1912
01:39:14,376 --> 01:39:15,778
So I gave him a real hug.

1913
01:39:15,878 --> 01:39:19,381
I got his direct info, and, you know,
he told me he was going back to Mexico

1914
01:39:19,481 --> 01:39:21,550
for eight months and he
was gonna come back,

1915
01:39:21,650 --> 01:39:22,918
and he told me I had two sisters

1916
01:39:23,018 --> 01:39:25,621
that I didn't know about,
and I couldn't take it.

1917
01:39:25,721 --> 01:39:28,090
My girl and I, we get in the car,
and we go to my mom's house.

1918
01:39:29,758 --> 01:39:31,794
We get to the front,
and my mom hears the car,

1919
01:39:31,894 --> 01:39:34,496
so she comes outside, and she's like...

1920
01:39:34,596 --> 01:39:35,664
"What are you doing here?"

1921
01:39:35,764 --> 01:39:39,707
I go, "Mom, you are not gonna
believe who I just had dinner with."

1922
01:39:40,069 --> 01:39:41,577
"Obama."

1923
01:39:46,041 --> 01:39:47,576
I go, "No, Ma, this is actually

1924
01:39:47,676 --> 01:39:49,078
"bigger than Obama,
if you could believe this."

1925
01:39:49,178 --> 01:39:50,346
I say, "Let's go inside the house.

1926
01:39:50,446 --> 01:39:52,247
"This is a good one,
a really good one."

1927
01:39:54,783 --> 01:39:57,686
So she goes inside. I follow her,
my girl's behind me.

1928
01:39:57,786 --> 01:40:00,990
Close the door. I go, "Mom, listen."
I says, "I need you to sit down,

1929
01:40:01,090 --> 01:40:02,691
"because what I got to
tell you is a big deal."

1930
01:40:02,791 --> 01:40:05,260
"Mijo, don't tell me to sit
down in my own house."

1931
01:40:08,030 --> 01:40:09,665
I go, "Mom, trust me.
You want to sit down."

1932
01:40:11,133 --> 01:40:13,904
"What? Who did you have
dinner with? Who? Who?"

1933
01:40:15,304 --> 01:40:18,207
"I had dinner with my dad."
And she got all Telemundo.

1934
01:40:22,111 --> 01:40:24,613
And I hugged her, and she's
being like an octopus.

1935
01:40:27,916 --> 01:40:29,618
And I'm trying to grab her,
and I'm looking at my girl.

1936
01:40:29,718 --> 01:40:33,664
"Baby, help me." She's like,
"That's your mom. This is you."

1937
01:40:35,057 --> 01:40:37,559
I finally get my mom to
sit down, and she's...

1938
01:40:38,827 --> 01:40:40,796
And she keeps saying the same thing
over and over. "El dinero. El dinero."

1939
01:40:40,896 --> 01:40:43,132
"The money. The money.
He wants the money.

1940
01:40:43,232 --> 01:40:44,934
"El cabron has cable now."

1941
01:40:47,169 --> 01:40:50,817
When she finally calmed down,
the first thing she says to me is...

1942
01:40:52,074 --> 01:40:53,981
"Who looks better?"

1943
01:40:54,676 --> 01:40:57,146
"Are you serious, Mom?
You're 11 years older than him,

1944
01:40:57,246 --> 01:40:58,514
"and you want to know
who looks better?"

1945
01:40:58,614 --> 01:40:59,982
"I'm just asking."

1946
01:41:00,082 --> 01:41:03,789
"You look better." "You're such a liar."
"Why are you asking me?"

1947
01:41:05,521 --> 01:41:07,389
"What does he want?

1948
01:41:07,489 --> 01:41:08,724
"He wanted to buy a car?
What? What, what, what?"

1949
01:41:08,824 --> 01:41:10,526
I go, "Mom, listen.

1950
01:41:10,826 --> 01:41:12,728
"My dad, all he wanted

1951
01:41:12,828 --> 01:41:14,663
"was he just wanted to talk to me.
He doesn't want any money.

1952
01:41:14,763 --> 01:41:15,831
"He doesn't want me
to buy him anything.

1953
01:41:15,931 --> 01:41:18,100
"He's got a ranch in Mexico.
He's very happy.

1954
01:41:18,200 --> 01:41:20,235
"He just wanted to talk
and ask some questions

1955
01:41:20,335 --> 01:41:23,338
"and hopefully answer some
questions, and he told me...

1956
01:41:23,438 --> 01:41:25,274
"Mom, Mom, my dad told me

1957
01:41:25,374 --> 01:41:28,010
"that I have two sisters
that I didn't know about."

1958
01:41:28,110 --> 01:41:30,813
"Ah. I could have
told you about that."

1959
01:41:36,885 --> 01:41:39,354
"You knew I had two sisters,
and you didn't tell me?"

1960
01:41:39,454 --> 01:41:42,191
"Mijo, you don't like
the ones you have now.

1961
01:41:43,692 --> 01:41:45,260
"I'm going to burden you
con otras dos cabronas

1962
01:41:45,360 --> 01:41:48,397
"que no les va a hablar,
ni a mandar e-mail?"

1963
01:41:52,968 --> 01:41:56,038
So we talked for a good hour,
and then I brought it up.

1964
01:41:56,138 --> 01:41:58,774
I said, "Listen, Mom,
I asked my dad for a favor."

1965
01:41:58,874 --> 01:42:01,043
"You should. You should ask
him for many favors..."

1966
01:42:10,852 --> 01:42:12,821
I go, "Look, Mom, I'm going to
ask you for the same favor."

1967
01:42:14,223 --> 01:42:16,058
"Why? Why am I getting...

1968
01:42:16,158 --> 01:42:18,393
"I raised you while this cabron
was at the bars in Tijuana...

1969
01:42:21,263 --> 01:42:22,464
<i>"Why are..."</i>

1970
01:42:23,232 --> 01:42:27,970
I go, "Mom, listen. It's an easy favor,
but it's a hard one, okay?

1971
01:42:28,070 --> 01:42:33,108
"I don't have any pictures of you,
my dad, and me together."

1972
01:42:33,208 --> 01:42:35,877
"Because he wasn't there!" "Mom!

1973
01:42:36,245 --> 01:42:37,613
"I know he wasn't there,
but you know what?

1974
01:42:37,713 --> 01:42:41,783
"He's here now, and he's not that bad.
It would mean a lot to me if I could

1975
01:42:41,883 --> 01:42:44,086
"take a picture with the
two of you and myself,

1976
01:42:44,186 --> 01:42:46,321
"so that I could frame it
and put it on my wall."

1977
01:42:46,421 --> 01:42:47,823
"Why?"

1978
01:42:47,923 --> 01:42:49,291
"Mom, so that when people
come over to the house,

1979
01:42:49,391 --> 01:42:51,593
"I can point and go, 'Look.
Those are my parents.'

1980
01:42:51,693 --> 01:42:52,928
"I've never been able to do that.

1981
01:42:53,028 --> 01:42:56,903
"It would mean a lot to be able to say,
'Look, these are my parents.'

1982
01:42:57,132 --> 01:42:58,902
"One picture.

1983
01:43:00,369 --> 01:43:02,242
"Just one picture."

1984
01:43:03,872 --> 01:43:05,874
So I says, "Would you
please entertain the idea

1985
01:43:05,974 --> 01:43:07,943
"of getting together with
us for a few minutes,

1986
01:43:08,043 --> 01:43:09,478
"so that we could just
take some pictures?"

1987
01:43:09,578 --> 01:43:11,513
And she goes, "No, mijo,
you can't ask me to do that."

1988
01:43:11,613 --> 01:43:14,950
And we went back and forth for a while,
and she eventually agreed to it.

1989
01:43:15,050 --> 01:43:17,119
She goes, "Okay, pero not right now.

1990
01:43:17,219 --> 01:43:20,656
"Ahorita no, mijo. No, I have to get
ready." I'm like, "Oh, God, really?"

1991
01:43:20,756 --> 01:43:23,358
I go, "Well, Mom, here's the deal.
My dad went back to Mexico.

1992
01:43:23,458 --> 01:43:26,695
"He'll be back here in eight months.
Is that long enough?"

1993
01:43:26,795 --> 01:43:28,941
"I can do eight months.

1994
01:43:29,131 --> 01:43:31,937
"Eight months, sí, se puede.
Eight months, okay."

1995
01:43:32,100 --> 01:43:34,169
"All right." And I was
excited, you guys.

1996
01:43:34,269 --> 01:43:36,638
We had a date planned out,
we had a restaurant, and I told her,

1997
01:43:36,738 --> 01:43:38,340
"Look, here's how
it's gonna work, Mom.

1998
01:43:38,440 --> 01:43:39,474
"We're gonna walk
into this restaurant.

1999
01:43:39,574 --> 01:43:41,510
"You're gonna sit on my left,
he's gonna sit on my right,

2000
01:43:41,610 --> 01:43:43,645
"and we're gonna take three pictures,
and then we're gonna leave,

2001
01:43:43,745 --> 01:43:46,649
"and I'm going to take
you to Golden Corral."

2002
01:43:48,583 --> 01:43:51,627
And she tells me, "Why does
he get to sit on the right?"

2003
01:43:51,853 --> 01:43:54,363
"You can sit on the right.
Oh, my God!"

2004
01:43:55,857 --> 01:43:59,561
So the date was set eight months later,
and unfortunately for me,

2005
01:43:59,661 --> 01:44:02,535
- my mom died before I got that opportunity.
- Aw!

2006
01:44:03,298 --> 01:44:05,067
The only bright side to the picture,

2007
01:44:05,167 --> 01:44:09,004
is that I got a photo
from my brother...

2008
01:44:09,104 --> 01:44:14,343
It's a black-and-white picture, 8x10.
It's a picture of my mom and my dad

2009
01:44:14,443 --> 01:44:18,080
the night they met at a bar in
Tijuana when my dad was performing.

2010
01:44:18,180 --> 01:44:20,449
It's a picture of him in his
mariachi outfit, right?

2011
01:44:20,549 --> 01:44:21,583
And he's got the microphone,

2012
01:44:21,683 --> 01:44:25,420
and my mom is sitting front row
center with a white miniskirt on.

2013
01:44:25,520 --> 01:44:28,290
And she's got her hand like this,
and she's looking at my dad,

2014
01:44:28,390 --> 01:44:32,994
and she has this look on her face like,
"We're going to make a Fluffy."

2015
01:44:44,473 --> 01:44:47,643
I never framed it. I keep
it at home in a drawer.

2016
01:44:47,743 --> 01:44:50,279
It's weird for me to look at
the picture on a regular basis,

2017
01:44:50,379 --> 01:44:52,080
so I keep it in a
folder in my drawer.

2018
01:44:52,180 --> 01:44:53,649
Every now and then,
I'll open it, take a look at it.

2019
01:44:53,749 --> 01:44:56,361
I'm like, "All right.
It's cool." It'll make me smile.

2020
01:44:56,852 --> 01:44:59,121
Here's what I was
talking about earlier

2021
01:44:59,221 --> 01:45:03,392
about the whole parallels
with my son and with me.

2022
01:45:03,725 --> 01:45:07,629
As this whole situation's going on,
where my dad comes back into my life,

2023
01:45:07,729 --> 01:45:12,401
Frankie's dad comes back into
his life at the exact same time.

2024
01:45:12,501 --> 01:45:14,903
And for me, you guys,
this was way more upsetting

2025
01:45:15,003 --> 01:45:17,005
than the whole situation with my dad.

2026
01:45:17,105 --> 01:45:19,241
This guy e-mails me, right?
He had my e-mail address.

2027
01:45:19,341 --> 01:45:21,410
And of course,
now he decides to use it.

2028
01:45:21,510 --> 01:45:23,478
And I recognized the
name as soon as I saw it.

2029
01:45:23,578 --> 01:45:24,746
And then I opened up the e-mail,

2030
01:45:24,846 --> 01:45:27,482
and right away, "I want to
thank you for raising Frankie.

2031
01:45:27,582 --> 01:45:29,284
"I want to thank you for
being there for Frankie.

2032
01:45:29,384 --> 01:45:31,086
"I want to be involved
in Frankie's life.

2033
01:45:31,186 --> 01:45:33,121
"I want to take him to sports.
I want to get involved.

2034
01:45:33,221 --> 01:45:34,523
"I want to be there
for him financially..."

2035
01:45:34,623 --> 01:45:36,825
And I'm getting pissed.
I'm getting piss...

2036
01:45:36,925 --> 01:45:39,928
I'm screaming again. I'm like, "Really?
Now you want to get involved?

2037
01:45:40,028 --> 01:45:41,763
"Now you want to be a part of this,

2038
01:45:41,863 --> 01:45:43,532
"after all the love
and time and energy

2039
01:45:43,632 --> 01:45:46,668
"I put into a kid that wasn't even mine?
Are you shitting me?

2040
01:45:46,768 --> 01:45:49,244
"I just got him to
take out the trash."

2041
01:45:52,541 --> 01:45:55,677
I started yelling at the screen more,
and my girl hears me, so she comes in.

2042
01:45:55,777 --> 01:45:56,778
She goes, "What's going on? Relax."

2043
01:45:56,878 --> 01:45:58,547
I go, "Look at the screen.
Look at the screen."

2044
01:45:58,647 --> 01:46:02,517
"What? Relax." "Look at the screen."
"Calm down." So she starts reading.

2045
01:46:02,617 --> 01:46:04,519
And as soon as she starts
reading, she starts,

2046
01:46:04,619 --> 01:46:06,188
"Oh, this asshole,
now he's going to ruin every..."

2047
01:46:06,288 --> 01:46:07,856
And now I got to be her rock.

2048
01:46:07,956 --> 01:46:10,602
So I stand up, and I'm like,
"No, it's okay. Shh..."

2049
01:46:11,393 --> 01:46:12,936
"But he's going to..."

2050
01:46:13,995 --> 01:46:16,298
Frankie hears his mom
getting hysterical,

2051
01:46:16,398 --> 01:46:21,236
and then he walks into the office,
and he's like, "Who died? Who died?"

2052
01:46:21,336 --> 01:46:23,839
I go, "No, Frankie, nobody died.
Get in here." "Why is my mom crying?"

2053
01:46:23,939 --> 01:46:25,741
"I'm going to tell you why your
mom's crying. Have a seat."

2054
01:46:25,841 --> 01:46:27,709
"I'm in trouble, huh?"
"Frankie, you're not in trouble."

2055
01:46:27,809 --> 01:46:30,615
"I didn't do it. "Whatever it is,
you did it. Sit down."

2056
01:46:32,948 --> 01:46:34,316
So he sits down.

2057
01:46:34,416 --> 01:46:37,185
I got these office chairs
with the little wheels, right?

2058
01:46:37,285 --> 01:46:38,320
And so I sit down.

2059
01:46:38,420 --> 01:46:40,689
He sits in front of me, and I
sit his mom down next to me,

2060
01:46:40,789 --> 01:46:43,258
and I grab his chair, and I
pull it right up to mine.

2061
01:46:43,358 --> 01:46:44,726
And his knees are pretty
much touching mine,

2062
01:46:44,826 --> 01:46:47,095
and he's right here,
and I go, "Listen, Frankie,

2063
01:46:47,195 --> 01:46:49,064
"what I got to tell you
is probably the hardest

2064
01:46:49,164 --> 01:46:51,742
"thing I've ever had
to say to you. Um...

2065
01:46:52,534 --> 01:46:54,407
"Your dad...

2066
01:46:54,636 --> 01:46:57,839
"Your dad, he...
Your dad wants to see you."

2067
01:46:57,939 --> 01:46:59,982
And he looks at me, and he goes...

2068
01:47:00,942 --> 01:47:02,519
"I'm right here."

2069
01:47:05,180 --> 01:47:06,586
Oh.

2070
01:47:22,664 --> 01:47:25,400
I go, "Frankie, I love you so much,
but that's not what I mean.

2071
01:47:25,500 --> 01:47:28,544
"Oh, my God! Your dad-dad."

2072
01:47:29,337 --> 01:47:30,872
"Dad-dad?"

2073
01:47:30,972 --> 01:47:33,375
"Oh, my God. Um...

2074
01:47:33,475 --> 01:47:35,416
"The man that gave you life?"

2075
01:47:37,212 --> 01:47:38,857
"Jesus?"

2076
01:47:39,748 --> 01:47:43,691
"No! Oh, my God! That's my dad.

2077
01:47:50,859 --> 01:47:53,662
"Your biological father,
Frankie. Your dad.

2078
01:47:53,762 --> 01:47:58,035
"Your mom's ex-boyfriend,
your father, your dad, Randy."

2079
01:47:59,000 --> 01:48:02,137
And he went from having
this look of confusion

2080
01:48:02,237 --> 01:48:04,272
to, like, a straight-up
despaired look.

2081
01:48:04,372 --> 01:48:06,475
He just looks at the ground,
and he starts mumbling.

2082
01:48:06,575 --> 01:48:10,645
And as soon as he finished mumbling,
he starts telling me his memory,

2083
01:48:10,745 --> 01:48:14,082
his last memory of his dad.
And I'll be honest with you guys.

2084
01:48:14,182 --> 01:48:16,651
It's one thing to hear a
messed-up story involving a kid

2085
01:48:16,751 --> 01:48:19,287
seeing something he shouldn't
have seen from an adult.

2086
01:48:19,387 --> 01:48:22,491
It's another when you hear
it from the kid themselves.

2087
01:48:22,591 --> 01:48:23,959
And so for me, I'm just like,
"Oh, my God!

2088
01:48:24,059 --> 01:48:25,427
"Why am I putting him through this?"

2089
01:48:25,527 --> 01:48:27,596
He starts telling me,
and my girl is just bawling.

2090
01:48:27,696 --> 01:48:29,264
I'm getting choked up.
I go, "Look, Frankie,

2091
01:48:29,364 --> 01:48:31,366
"whatever you want to do,
okay, we support it.

2092
01:48:31,466 --> 01:48:33,768
"If you want to see your dad,
your mom and I will make it happen.

2093
01:48:33,868 --> 01:48:35,770
"If you don't want to see him,
you don't have to see him,

2094
01:48:35,870 --> 01:48:38,340
"but you're old enough now,
and it has to come from you.

2095
01:48:38,440 --> 01:48:39,941
"So you let us know
whenever you're ready,

2096
01:48:40,041 --> 01:48:42,043
"and we'll make it
happen either way."

2097
01:48:42,143 --> 01:48:45,280
"What do you think I should do?"
"Frankie, I wish I could tell you.

2098
01:48:45,380 --> 01:48:46,882
"I wish I could tell you, honestly,

2099
01:48:46,982 --> 01:48:49,718
"but you saw what I just went through."
You were yelling at the mirror."

2100
01:48:49,818 --> 01:48:53,022
"I know I was yelling
at the mirror. I know."

2101
01:48:53,922 --> 01:48:56,558
"What did you do?" "Well, Frankie,
in my case, it was different,

2102
01:48:56,658 --> 01:49:00,161
"because my dad waited 30 years,
and so I had to wait 30 years,

2103
01:49:00,261 --> 01:49:03,632
"and fortunately for me,
I was more mature,

2104
01:49:03,732 --> 01:49:05,901
"and I was able to handle
it a little bit better.

2105
01:49:06,001 --> 01:49:07,802
"Plus your mom was there
to keep me in check,

2106
01:49:07,902 --> 01:49:10,472
"so I didn't do anything
stupid, but 30 years,

2107
01:49:10,572 --> 01:49:13,842
"it actually worked out pretty good,
and now we have an actual...

2108
01:49:13,942 --> 01:49:16,177
"We're going to go back and
forth and start talking,

2109
01:49:16,277 --> 01:49:18,346
"so 30 years worked out for me."

2110
01:49:18,446 --> 01:49:20,882
And then he looks at the ground,

2111
01:49:20,982 --> 01:49:24,352
and it felt like it took forever.
I wanted to ask him if he was okay,

2112
01:49:24,452 --> 01:49:26,521
but I didn't want to accidentally
trigger another memory

2113
01:49:26,621 --> 01:49:28,657
and put him through that same
thing again, so I'm just waiting,

2114
01:49:28,757 --> 01:49:30,325
and his mom's wailing,
and we're just waiting,

2115
01:49:30,425 --> 01:49:34,002
and then he looks at me,
and he goes, "You know what?

2116
01:49:37,265 --> 01:49:39,308
"I'm gonna wait 30 years, too."

2117
01:49:43,171 --> 01:49:45,078
Oh, my God!

2118
01:49:46,608 --> 01:49:48,076
I got so choked up.

2119
01:49:48,176 --> 01:49:50,378
I started crying, and then he
puts his hand on my shoulder,

2120
01:49:50,478 --> 01:49:52,113
and I started bawling.

2121
01:49:52,213 --> 01:49:54,683
And then he hugs me,
and I'm like, "Oh, my God!"

2122
01:49:54,783 --> 01:49:56,051
And we're hugging, and I'm crying,

2123
01:49:56,151 --> 01:49:58,219
and his mom's crying,
and then she looks at me.

2124
01:49:58,319 --> 01:50:03,625
"Now what are you gonna do?
Now what are you gonna do?"

2125
01:50:03,725 --> 01:50:05,860
"What do you think I'm gonna do?

2126
01:50:05,960 --> 01:50:08,037
"I'm going to get him an iPhone."

2127
01:50:14,069 --> 01:50:16,010
Thank you, Bay Area.

2128
01:50:16,404 --> 01:50:19,448
I love you guys. Thank you.

2129
01:53:13,414 --> 01:53:15,184
Hijo, I'm home.

2130
01:53:16,017 --> 01:53:17,552
Did you give any more
thought to my question

2131
01:53:17,652 --> 01:53:20,520
about what you want to
be when you grow up?